Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
The Toe Truck (Tow Truck)
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Who the fuck does that.
The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!" The Higgs-boson particle says "But you can't have mass without me!"
Slaves are given food and housing.
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter”?
He said "Nein, I am ze German… but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"
but you didn't like it.
She seemed surprised.
For my black jeep…
Judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved.
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once every 15 years." The man says "Ok" and begins his time with the silent order. 15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?". The man responds, "The porridge could use a little more sugar." The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away. Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?". "The bed sheets are a bit thin" replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement. Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?" "Well, actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me." says the man. "Yes, yes" sighs the head monk "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
So I packed up my stuff and right.
He won the no-bell prize
Because they are stationery I am not sorry I will be glad if i make at least a few people smile
is sphere itself.
His father grounded him
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
She was a runaway bride
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
…you've waisted thyme.
At first it’s boring, but later on, it’s riveting…
It’s a small scale operation.
I bought him a new trampoline for Christmas but all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Sorry, I can't tell you.
It was all bark and no bite.
You need to tell it to a redditor multiple times for them to get it.
The results speak for themselves…
Not really. Maybe once in a blue moon.