“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
A stroke of genius.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting with St. Peter at the pearly gates when all of a sudden she hears the most bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more loud and dreadful screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, “Take Your Kid to Work Day.” As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
The pupils. They dilate.
Sadly, none of them work.
Should get a no bell prize
Shawn: "Yawn." Shaun: "Yaun." Sean: "Yean."
Times are rough.
It was the least I could do for him.
He had a reptile dysfunction
Because their horns don't work.
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
Gay. Definitely at least a little gay.
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
They checked our ratings. One star.
I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
A blast from the past
To cover it’s butt-quack.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
…He burped 7 up
What is going on with you?https://ift.tt/37vd3Sy
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
You have my Word.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Makes you an eighth theist.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”