SON OF A BITCH
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer
than the men who mention it.
I always hated the show Naked & Afraid
It reminds me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.
What is the sheeps favorite movie?
Baaaaaack to the future
My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
My gf tried to persuade me to have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord
I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.
I got bored in class today learning about cells, so i made this. Its not very good ik
https://ift.tt/2OrCOdg
Do you know what’s cool?
Winter.
Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.
They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was… At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him… after all, there wasn't anybody else in the island… He eventually built a cabin, had a functioning automatic potable water supply, and all sorts of little clever commodities, all done to make her life easier… it was the most effort any man had ever done for her, and all the hard work made him fit, she noticed this… One night after some wildlife attacked and he defended her successfully, getting a few cuts in the process, she threw herself at him and they made love, after that, they where for all intents and purposes a couple with an above regular sex life. But for some reason he started drifting away, something was bothering him. And she noticed… "What's wrong?" Scarlett Johansson asked, "Nothing…" the guy would say… She pestered him for a while eventually saying she would do ANYTHING he needed or wanted to make him feel good again, just because she really cared for him a lot, and even if he wasn't asking, she felt it was the least she owed it to him… "Really?, you'll do anything I'd like?" "yes" she said "anything!" "ok, first i want you to take off you toga and get into this pair of work jeans that somehow washed on the shore" "ok…" "now put this shirt on please, but first, "tape" your boobs so they are flat" "wha… ok, I'd say I'd do anything" she said lovingly. "ok, now, take this hat and wear it, but tuck your hair under it" She was kinda confused, but non the less, she wanted to make him happy, so she tucked her hair under the hat. "Now id like for you to grab this piece of soot and paint yourself a beard and a mustache" "ok… if this is what you want…" she muttered. "now, please, put on these sunglasses, and start walking down the beach I'll catch up to you in a bit", he said a bit excited… She started walking… wondering… doubting herself… just confused about what had just happened, maybe it wasn't her, maybe it was h… suddenly the guy grabs her by her shoulder turns her around and says: "DUDE!!! you won't believe who I've been fucking for the past 6 months!"
A Wife took a DNA test for her kid
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents. Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you. Husband: What's up? Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid Husband: Well you don't remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pissed and spoiled his underwear. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn’t last long for fat people.
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
I hate insomnia, it’s a horrible condition
I'm losing sleep over it. On the plus side, it's only 3 more sleeps until Christmas
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
Yesterday my 7 year old son asked me
Yesterday my seven year old son asked me "where does poo come from?". I was a little bit uncomfortable but I gave him an honest explanation. Then he looked at me a little perplexed for a few seconds and then he asked "And Tigger?"
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers" Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man." "No," he replied, "I'm just a shit golfer.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
Wife: *is pregnant*
Me: I want to name our son James. Wife: Why? Me: No reason. 9 months later Wife: My water broke Me: Let the James begin
My Son, Luke, Loves How I Name My Kids After Star Wars Characters
My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What’s the difference between a hooker and jesus?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.