Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad: No it doesn’t
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
Great Aunt shared this on Facebook, thought someone here might be able to decipher?
https://ift.tt/2VfhPh8
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
My son asked today “ Dad, are people in Spain cannibals?”
I answered “Why would you think that?” He said “Well, my teacher said they mostly live off of tourists there”.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
Why do riot cops like to leave early when they go to work?
So they can beat the crowds.
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
[nsfw] some parents find their teenager’s browser history
It’s full of s&m porn. Mom says: well what are we going to do? Dad says: what do you mean? Mom says: well.. we can’t spank him.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players…
The servers are currently down…
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store.
does that make you an iWitness?
What do you call hiking US college students?
The walking debt.
It turns out that Mr. Spock has 3 ears
The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear. Thank you Stephen King for this wonderful joke.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday
I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side… This joke was a little forced.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I know alot of jokes about unemployed people.
but none of them work.
