Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
How much does a chimney cost?
Nothing. It is on the house.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
I was struggling to get my wife’s attention
So I simply sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick
Why do Jewish men have to be circumsized?
Because a Jewish woman won’t touch anything unless it’s 20% off.
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
I have the heart of a lion…
And a life time ban from the Central Park Zoo
I keep asking what LGBTQ+ stands for
I never get a straight answer
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped.
It’s his worst fear – hare loss.
Two cannibals sat by a fire the 1st one says
"I'm going to become a vegan". The other one says "me too" The 1st one says " you do realise we have totally fucked up this joke now it won't be funny " The other one says "yeh well that's vegans for you"
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, “1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.”
“It was quite a hectic evening.”
What’s the definition of a reverse exorcism?
It's when you ask the Devil to get the priest out of your little boy
I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane
We're currently filming the pilot.
What’s Forrest Gumps password?
1forrest1
I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it.
So I choose not to post it this time around
A nice change of pace from all the other times I’ve been fucked because of assembly
https://ift.tt/2X1nWIu
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place. Man: Aww….! Are you single? Woman: No, I am a Dentist.
JOB AT GOOGLE FROM UZBEKISTAN! VERY FAST!
JOB AT GOOGLE FROM UZBEKISTAN! VERY FAST!SUPPORT ME ON MY JOURNEY!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yW4pZq_LMYQ&t=2s&ab_channel=tenten
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Why can’t T-rexes clap?
Cause they’re extinct
Don’t buy anything with Velcro
It’s a total rip-off
A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes…
"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”…
…The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help.The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not:"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yay God". Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St.Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus Christ and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
Judge : I order you to pay £10,000
MARIO : why Judge : it’s a fine MARIO : (sadly) no itsa not
When I was a kid, my parents would always say “Excuse my french” after a swear word…
…I'll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any french.
![[Everyone liked that], ruining decent memes since 2018.](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/bkute5ld1v051-400x571.jpg)
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
