Son: What’s upstairs?
Dad: Stairs don't talk
Two blind pilots enter a plane.
They have sunglasses and white sticks. As the plane starts to move, the passengers are uncomfortable. The plane gains speed, but it stays on the ground. The remaining runway gets smaller and smaller, and the plane is rushing towards a fence. The passengers start shrieking and suddenly the plane lifts, avoiding the fence at the last second. All the passengers calm down, thinking it was a bad joke. In the pilot cabin, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says : "You know what? One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die."
I’m debating whether to write “YES” on my left hand and “NO” on my right hand.
I mean, on the one hand, yes, but on the other hand, no.
The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…
Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!" Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!" Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?" Autumn leaves…
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is…purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
I always keep a gun on my night stand in case of an intruder
so I can shoot myself instead of meeting new people
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
I finally have a girlfriend
Now I wish I could post it on an other subreddit
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me 😁
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Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
What did the tailor give to the lawyer?
A lawsuit!!
What’s the national bird of Syria?
American drone.
If you ever find yourself at -273.15 Celsius,
just remember that you will still be 0K.
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
Why did they release Star Wars episodes 4, 5 & 6 before episodes 1, 2 & 3?
In charge of the schedule Yoda was.
A Firefighter ran into a school holding a screwdriver and yelled…
Quick, everyone get out, this is NOT a drill!
A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”
He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”
What did the melon say when his girl asked him to run away and get married?
I love you honeydew, but I cantaloupe.
There is this guy who has a 25-inch dick
He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can’t please the ladies with it being so big. He hasn’t found a lady yet who likes it and he can’t get any pleasure. She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog. When he finds the frog, he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says “no,” his cock will shrink five inches. He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks, “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog says, “No.” And his prick shrinks five inches. The guy thinks to himself, Wow, that was pretty cool. But, it’s still too big. So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog, “Frog, will you marry me?” Frog: “No, I won’t marry you.” The guy’s dick shrinks another five inches. But that’s still 15 inches and he thinks it is still just a little bit too big. He thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks, “Frog, will you marry me?”. Frog: “How many times do I have to tell you? No, no, NO!!!”
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
I never wanted to believe that my father stole from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
I was asked to name all the US Presidents yesterday.
Didn't they already have names?
My son loves my Delorean
So I let him drive it from time to time
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
What’s the difference between a black dad and a boomerang?
One is an inanimate object you fucking racist.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.