“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?"
"Yes."
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal
Elongate would be really drawn out.
A year ago, my physician told me I would be going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
Not to brag, but I made some incredible dinner last night.
With a silent โcrโ.
I got rejected from my job interview for coming 30 minutes early
The porn industry can go fu*k themselves for all i care
So I told my friend that this guy that hosted a party had a golden toilet
He didn't believe me one bit. So we went to the guy's house and when the door opened, it was his mother. We asked if I could show my friend your golden toilet because he doesn't believe it. She looked at me for a while, then shouted back into the house, "Rick, the guy who shit in your trumpet is here!"
When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in?
Quick answers please.
Without women sex would be
a pain in the ass
I heard the bakers parents were also bakers.
You could say he was bread for the job.
My wife dated a professional clown before we started going out.
I had some big shoes to fill.
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, thatโs not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American,
an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub ……………………………. The doorman stops them and says sorry I canโt let you in without a Thai.
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
Just flew in from Asgard
And boy, are my arms Thor!
I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits,
and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.
A Guy Picks Up A Hooker For The First Time.
They come into his house, and he throws off his shoes, and holy Jesus christ almighty his toes! The Hooker Asks: "Oh my god, what is with your toes?!" The guy responds with: "I had TOElio when I was younger" They move on, the guy takes off his pants and HOLY CRAP his knees they're all wrinkly and it's indescribable. "Oh God! Your Knees! What's wrong with your knees?!" "Oh I had KNEEsles when I was younger" She lifts up the bedsheet and says: "Yeah looks like you had smallcocks too"
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
You might think it be R, but his first love be the C.
Had to wright a paragraph about this photo for my online english class today…
https://ift.tt/2VZxXnz
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. โWhat do you want?โ The kid says, โI wanna get laid!โ The Madam says, โYeah, come back in ten years.โ โBut I wanna get laid.โ The Madam bends down and says, โKid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.โ Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, โKid! Youโre back!โ The kid says, โYou said wait ten years, so I did.โ Did you practice on the tree like I told you?โ โYes maโam, I did!โ The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, โWhat are you doing kid?โ โChecking for squirrels.โ
Thor doesn’t get drunk…
He gets hammered.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks โDo you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?โ
The pirate replies, โ Arrrgh, itโs drivinโ me nuts!โ
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
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What do you call a hot chick in Boston?
A tourist
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He Neverland's.