Song and Dance
A poor peasant is traveling the woody paths of Barnsdale, when a hooded man walks up to him. Robin Hood: "HALT!" "I am Robin Hood, I take from the rich to give to the poor, now give me all your money!" Peasant: "I have nothing, I've been hungry for years you see" Robin Hood: "Very well then poor man, take this!" Robin Hood gives the poor man a sack, filled to the brim with gold coins. He then fades away into the forest. The peasant stares in disbelief, exclaiming: "I can't believe it, I'm Rich!" "HALT!"
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A pithon Happy pi day
At her parents house. Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them. "Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "…I'm sorry" The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!" He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"
No text found
H2O. What's on the outside of the hydrant? K9P
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?" The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress." The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too. The second guy says, "What's wrong?" The first guy says, "Small world!"
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
…and the preacher says, “higgs boson aren’t allowed in here! you call yourself the God particle, sacrilege!!” …to which the higgs boson particle replies “if you don’t allow higgs boson particles, how do you have mass?”
So I packed all my bags and right.
I said, "What is it?" She said, "I saw you sitting in the park. You were reading your autobiography to your ex." "Hmm," I replied. "Really?" She said, "How do you explain yourself?" I said, "Well, if I read it to you perhaps you'll find out."
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
I would be like… how did I get all these fucking nickels??
I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark…
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !" "Thanks dad !" "No problem Alan"
We really kicked the shit out of that guy.
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
…so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.
The second one's a repost.
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared. Must have ransomware.
With iPhone accessories.
My family and friends all laughed when I told them that one day, I would discover the secrets of invisibility…
If only they could see me now…
Because he couldn't see that well.
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog…
He goes for a hike and sees a moose. He asks the park ranger, “Oi! What animal is that then?” “That’s a moose,” the ranger replied. “A moose!” exclaimed the Scotsman, “If that there’s a moose, dear laddie, ye must have rats the size of elephants then!”