Sonic said
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
I think I might be turning into a beach…
But I'm still not 100% shore
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, “You know, people living in Denver can’t be buried there” and I look at him and ask him “Why?”
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name
Today I quit drinking for good
now I only drink for evil
Tried drawing my girl who passed away, will not try drawing again. Sure do miss her though
https://ift.tt/2BWHv9f
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
I used to hate facial hair
But then it grew on me
A defribilator almost never fails, when it did…
No One was shocked
How do you get Trump to change a light bulb?
Tell him Obama put it in.
After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.
He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!!!"
Scientist walks into bar with an apple…
He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it." The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!" "Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite. "Tastes like orange juice! This is amazing! Now if only you could make it taste like pussy!" The scientist gives a look as he stands up and leaves the bar. The bartender feels bad assuming he offended the scientist. Several months later the scientist comes running into the bar screaming, " I did it! I did it! I made this apple taste like pussy!" Excited the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a bite. Groaning with disgust he spits it out all over the floor. "Yuck this tastes like shit!" The scientist smiles and says," turn it around."
When I was in kindergarten, I was so caught up in learning the names of all the numbers that I memorized them out of order.
I couldn't see the fours for the threes.
I bumped into an old school friend today.
He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
Do you know why people are buying up all the toilet paper?
Because people are losing their shit.
We’re about to have a bad spell…
…of wether.
I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
/r/Jokes/comments/gt1blg/i_went_to_the_shop_the_other_day_to_buy_six_cans/
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
When colleague does not have dark mode IDE and asks me to check something on his screen.
https://ift.tt/32HKZbh
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7 8…
My friends and I experimented with sex and drugs when we were in high school.
I was the control group.
I really hope mailmen don’t start getting the Coronavirus
They’re really good carriers
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: “How long are your flights from America to England?”
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
My uncle told me that he sells vaccuum cleaners.
His business sucks but its picking up.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?
Because his whole life he's Ben Solo
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”