SOO WEIRDD
My friend set me up on a blind date with her vegetarian friend but I’m kind of nervous…
I’ve never met herbivore.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator…
I guess we are raised differently…
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
I called work this morning and whispered, “Sorry boss, I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.” He exclaimed, “You have a wee cough!?”
I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
The boy’s dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled “Ass!” And the boy heard…
(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.) The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard… "Daddy, what does ass mean?" "It means… beard." Downstairs, the boys older sister was hanging coats on their coat rack, then accidentally stubbed her toe. She was so surprised she yelled "Shit!" And the boy heard… "Big sis, what does shit mean?" "It means… coat." In their living room, the boy saw someone on the TV say angrily "Bitches and bastards!" And the boy heard… "Auntie, what does bitches and bastards mean?" "It means… boys and girls. In their kitchen, the boy's mom was cooking a turkey, then accidentally burnt herself. She was so surprised she yelled "Fuck!" And the boy heard… "Mom, what does fuck mean?" "It means… cook." The boy knew that company was coming over, so he opened the door for them. He said, "Good afternoon bitches and bastards! You can go hang your shits on the shit rack and come in! Dad's shaving his ass and mom's fucking the turkey."
Hermione’s son: Mum, you’re a witch!
Hermione: Emma Watson?
A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Again, before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." When the teacher turns her back Johnny says in frustration, "I wish these dumb bitches would keep their fucking mouths shut!" The teacher turns around and she is livid: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "Harvey Weinstein. Can I go now, Miss?"
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
A father catches his daughter having sex with a boy.
His daughter says: "Dad, I'm sorry." He replies: "Hi Sorry, I'm Dad." He then turns to the boy and asks: "What about you? Are you fucking sorry?"
And the award for best neckwear goes to…
…well would you look at that, it's a tie.
I got lead poisoning from a Dr. Pepper knock-off
I guess I shouldn’t drink Mr. Pb again
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
I made a graph showing my past relationships..
It was an ex axis and a why axis.
What type of bread can fly?
A plane bagel
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up…
He said, "It could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water." I know he means well.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a odd-job man and started with a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
I’m not sure why my heating bill is so high?
If you’d like to come over to offer me any advice my door is always open
A new strain of lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
What do you call hiking trails around an asylum?
Psychopaths
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Yes.
Is time travel possible?
I’ve developed a fear of negative numbers.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
I raised my left leg before the new year started…
…so I could start it off on the right foot. 🤮 Happy new year!
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint