Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
What’s it called when Batman doesn’t go to church?
Christian bail
Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in
Me: Thanks for reminding me
A pretty blonde walks into a bar and asks the handsome fellow at the bar what he’s drinking…
He says, "Magic beer. You want one?" "Aw, that's stupid. There's no such thing" she says. "Look, I'll show you". He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, where he proceeds to fly up and around the building, and back into bar window. "That's incredible! I don't believe it!" she says. "Hey barkeep, throw me another one o' them Magic Beers". The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man chugs about half of it and proceeds to leap out the window and circle the building again. "Here, you try it" he says to the blonde. She takes a big draw on the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about 30 feet to the ground – breaking both her legs – and begins screaming in pain. The bartender says, "Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
You know Mexican jokes and black jokes are all the same,
Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal.
Did you hear about the Utah National Guard’s new IMI-made .44 Magnum?
It's called the Deseret Eagle.
What do you call a constipated detective?
no-shit Sherlock
Kids ask their mother how they were named
1st Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a lily fell on your head. So we named you Lily. Lily: That’s so cool! 2nd Child: Mom, how was I named? Mother: Well, when your father and I were walking out of the hospital, a rose fell on your head. So we named you Rose. Rose: That’s so cool! 3rd Child: guguhu sjebe kddekw? Mother: What did you say, Brick?
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
I was bored and hit my Nokia with a hammer, it broke, obviously.
So, I took it to Best Buy to get it fixed, and the woman at the counter said they can't fix hammers.
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out of their guidedogs.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
How Many Police Officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None they beat the room for being black.
What do you call an evil circle standing up?
A bad circumstance.
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar…
The first asks for a pint of beer. The second asks for 1/2 of a pint of beer. The third asks for 1/4 of a pint of beer, etc. The bartender fills 2 pints of beer, and walks away.
I asked a gardener which herbs were snitches…
He said only thyme would tell.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
whats the biggest problem while buying a pencil?
2B or not 2B
I’m not a one trick pony
I know multiple tricks, and I’m not a pony
I walked in on my boss vigorously masturbating
He told me to stop masturbating and get the hell out of his office
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now he’s Aware Wolf!