soooo dangerous
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift…
She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Did you hear that Michael Jackson’s had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
What happens when potatoes smoke marijuana?
They get baked.
“Hey dad, I’m taking a shower”
"Alright, make sure to bring it back"
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
Genie: You have only one more wish left.
Me: I wish I was a star. Gen⭐e: We⭐rd but okay.
Teenage boy: “Dad, what’s a vagina look like?”
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
I have a fear of speed bumps
I’m slowly getting over it
I can cut wood by looking at it
I saw it with my own eyes
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
The abundance mating signals girls give off if they like you.
https://youtu.be/yFY_uOb7bRk
A man is alone in an airport lounge.
A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly. He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”? The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”? Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”? The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the fuck do you want”? “Aha”, he says,… "United Airlines".
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
Storm Ciara
I just asked Siri "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley" Realised my phone was in Airplane mode
Why do teenage girls always walk around in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
What’s the fastest way for Harry Potter to get down the mountain?
Running, jk rowling
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
Sleeping with the minister’s wife.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."