Sophie would be proud
I don’t have a “Dad Bod”
I have a father figure
Michael Jackson, Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Elvis all walk in to a 7-eleven
You wouldn’t believe it, that store was dead.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping
They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.” Watson replies with: “I see millions and millions of stars.” Holmes says: “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson thinks for a minute before responding: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life." Holmes looks at Watson before responding: “No you idiot, it means somebody stole our tent.”
She got fired from the hot dog stand…
… for putting her hair in a bun.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
A beautiful woman is sitting next to a teenage boy on a plane.
There is terrible turbulence and then the plane goes into a sudden nose dive. The Captain comes on the intercom and says “I hate to have to tell you this folks, but we might not walk away from this one.” Everyone begins to panic except for the boy who sheepishly turns to the woman and says, “I hate to trouble you miss, but we might die and I’ve never kissed anyone.” The woman is at first taken aback but after a moment realizes she might as well make the kid happy in their final moments. She passionately kisses him. The boy, elated, goes on, “Sorry to bother you again after such a lovely kiss, but we might die and I’ve never felt a breast.” Again the woman is taken aback but decides there is no harm in it and slides his hand under her shirt. After a good long feel, the boy again says “you’ve been so kind already but please, I don’t want to die never having gotten a blow job.” Already committed to helping this boy have new experiences before they die, the woman smiles and begins to undo his belt. Just then the plane levels off. As everyone exits the plane they shake hands with the captain and congratulate him. The woman walks off the plain she says “thank you so much for saving us from certain death.” The boy shouts “just a little longer next time dad!”
Working out is like a drug to me
I don’t do drugs
How do you tell a dad joke from a bad joke?
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
Why is a leather jacket good for camouflage?
Because it's made of hide
Did you know that French Fries don’t originate from France?
They were originally made in Greece
Two Pretzels Were Walking Down The Road
One got a-salted.
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
Why did the chicken cross the road?
He saw a sign at the front of a building that said "chicken strips for $2"
Man: Judge, 60% of my parking tickets are bogus!
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!
The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.
Restaurant in peace
What do whores and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we’re inside one at 4am we’re glad they’re around.
I have a chicken proof lawn
It's impeccable
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
My wallet is like an onion
When I open it, it makes me cry.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
Lying on his deathbed is a Russian Communist
His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me." "Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri. The Communist then turns to another friend. "Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me." "No hard feelings, my friend. You are forgiven," says Petya. "Misha, I must confess to you that I had you sent to the penal battalion in 1942. I am terribly sorry about that day." "Please my friend, we all forgive you. You may go in peace," says Misha. "Thank you, comrades, for being with me throughout all these years," says the old communist with a tear streaming down his face. "I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for you. I never knew you loved me that much despite me being a stool pigeon." His friends are visibly touched by his words. Finally, he gathers his last strength and says. "And in honor of our deep friendship I want you to fulfill my last wish. See that cactus plant on the windowsill? As soon as I die, I want you to take it and shove it up my ass." Just as his friends were about to say something the old communist took his last breath. So Petya rushes to the window, takes the cactus plant off and together they shove it up their dead friend's butt. Suddenly, the friends hear a loud banging on the door followed by a gruff voice shouting: "Open up, it's the police. We've received information that an old Bolshevik has been tortured to death."
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
How do you get a country girl’s attention?
A tractor.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Just so everybody’s clear…
I'm going to put my glasses on..
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
I starting wearing depressing outfits
It saves time on laundry, since a lot of the time they hang themselves.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work
"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress." "Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor. "Now, I want you to take off my bra." "Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it carelessly to the side. "And Jeeves, remove my panties." "Yes ma'am!" replies the butler as he slides the black silk thong onto the floor. "Now Jeeves," says the woman, "the next time I catch you wearing my clothes you're fired!"
What do women and grenades have in common?
Take the ring off and the house is gone
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
Heard they are making a movie about Coronavirus
Its going to be directed by Quentin Quarantino.
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.