Sorry but these are too damn easy
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
I have a playlist of songs from Eminem, The Cranberries, and the Peanuts.
I named it The Trail Mix.
My friends call me 007 when i play call of duty with them.
0 Kills 0 Assist 7 Deaths
If a blind girl tells you your dick is the biggest she’s ever felt
She's probably pulling your leg.
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden.
To my horror, I saw her kill a butterfly. To teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Bilbo was surprised to wake up one morning and find a supermarket had been built in his garden.
It was an unexpected item in the Baggins area.
Anti-joke warning
A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
‘We ran out of protein powder!’
Dad: No whey
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
I’m reading a horror story in Braille
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
The American healthcare system is as perfect as Trump’s call with the Ukrainian President
https://ift.tt/2Cdw3Go
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
Thank god this guy is going to have sex with a billionaire actress half his age.
https://ift.tt/2yRNP3u
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
I stopped being breastfed at 3
But enough about my day, how was yours?