I was at the museum recently and asked a worker there if I was allowed to take pictures. He replied…
"No, they have to stay on the walls."
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
After hearing me sing for the first time, my music teacher told me I should be tenor.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
Mountains aren’t just funny
They’re hill areas
My paper towels went missing.
So I had to hire a bounty hunter.
Post Malone just suspended his tour.
That makes him Postponed Malone.
I, foolishly, named my daughter Daenerys before seeing how Game of Thrones ended. But you live and you learn.
Now to take a big sip of coffee, sit down with my son, Judas, and read about how things worked out for this Jesus fella.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
A rapist, priest, and child molester walk into a bar
He orders a drink
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter…
My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
My girlfriend dated a clown right before she met me/
Ive got some big shoes to fill.
I don’t like how shopping centres are so similar..
You see one, you've seen a mall.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
I’m happy for Nintendo’s success.
It's like a switch went off in their head a few years ago…
I Couldn’t Figure Out How The Seatbelt Worked.
Then it just clicked.
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
Why should you never tell a secret in the country?
The potatoes have eyes The corn has ears And the beans are all stalkers