Sorry for the low quality of the image
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
I’m one of the best barbers you’ll ever meet. The only thing I’m bad at is bleach highlights.
But that's just splitting hairs.
A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you at 5-6?”
I replied Kindergarten
Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob are sitting in a bar, enjoying beers.
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Faggot."
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird
I was beaten up by a busty women in an elevator.
I was staring at her boobs when she said “would you please press one?” So I did.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
After watching Star Wars with my son for the first time today, he looked up at me and asked, “Daddy, why was R2D2 so dirty?” Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.
He replied, "Well, they had to bleep out every word he said!"
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope.
If a woman sleeps with ten men she’s a slut.
But if a man does the same thing, he’s gay. Like really gay.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October.
I call it my jingle bell rock.
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, “no thanks, but maybe next time around.”
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother
For $10 worth of bitcoin B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin? T: I just want to start investing for college? B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you. T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for? B: I gave you $15.43, just like you asked. T: Okay, hopefully my $13.86 price will go up. B: No problem, Timmy. $4.31 isn't that much for me.
Time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana
No text found
A 60 year old man was starting at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze. Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted – "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?" The old man replied – "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".
What is Yoda’s last name?
Lay hee hoo
So our boss just banned overly specific nicknames.
Now our whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes
Sometimes he laughs.
I’m hosting a charity for men struggling to ejaculate
If you can’t come let me know
How do you know when a joke is a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
You Matter!
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy…
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff
BA-DUMM-TSS
My wife is mad at me, says I have no sense of direction…
So I packed all my bags and right.
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They will never allow change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I’ve never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die.
Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
