Sorry for this joke
Why is gambling illegal in China
Because they hate Tibet
Experiment about music perception (5 to 10 minutes)
We’re currently looking for volunteers to take part in our online experiment about music perception. The experiment takes approximately 10 minutes and only works on your computer. Accsessing the link below, you will:Listen to a few musical sounds;Respond to a few questions on your computer;Receive an immediate feedback on your performance.Link: https://ift.tt/2pQ3c84 Feel free to contact me after you take the test, so I can explain our ideas and hypothesis behind it. Please, do not give away the experiment on the comments section below, otherwise it will spoil the fun for those who haven’t done it yet. 😀
How much do dumplings weigh?
Wonton
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "No… Taiwan is not… uh… Yes, China is … uh…"
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees
I know because I kept a log
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: holding a cup Do it to my tea! Magician: waves hand Done! om: holding a cup It didn't work
Do you know how ISIS elevator works?
You press the button and six floors come down.
I tried to catch some fog
I mist
How did the chicken feel after giving birth in the coop?
Eggs-hausted!
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
I’ll never use that dictionary again…
The definition it gave for "obfuscate" was confusing and misleading.
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Why does Orion’s belt only have three stars?
Well, some of the reviews say it’s just a waist of space
I went to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting last night
but all the seats were taken.
I once swallowed a dictionary…
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had…
A truckload of Vick’s vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.
I’ve discovered the optimal way to survive the great 2020 toilet paper pandemic
Just stop giving a shit
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
The hardest part about babysitting-
-is dealing with all the… spills!!!
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.
" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative." Student – "yeah, right".
I asked my welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had
He started counting but fell asleep.
I got mugged by six dwarves last night
Not Happy.
Someone’s going to have to put an end to this Epstein meme craze.
Cause it’s not gonna kill itself.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
My lesbian neighbours bought me a Rolex for my birthday.
It's a really nice gift, but it's not quite what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
My wife was really pissed when I told her I spent $1,000 on a new wallet……
I told her not to worry I’ll definitely get my money out of it.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.
When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it." So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm last night.
But the ungrateful bitch spat it out.