Sorry got nothing
You know whatās really boring?
Digging giant tunnels underground.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
Why donāt zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, āIf you kiss me, Iāll turn into a handsome prince.ā
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, āIf you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.ā The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, āIf you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, Iāll be your devoted boyfriend.ā Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, āWhat is the matter? Iāve told you Iām a handsome prince, and that Iāll be your devoted boyfriend. Why wonāt you kiss me?ā The engineer said, āLook, Iām an engineer. I donāt have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frogā¦ā¦thatās cool.ā
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Why are so many Italians named Tony?
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
What do you call a cheap circumcision
A rip off
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
I bought shoes from my drug dealer…
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
A DEA agent stopped by my farm yesterday.
āI need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugsā, he said. āBy all means officer, just donāt go in that field over thereā, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying āDo you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!ā, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, āDo you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and Iāll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!ā I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, āYour badge, show him your fucking badge!ā
Weinstein didnāt kill himself
Sorry just practicing
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
What did one Italian say to another when fighting?
āYou wanna pizza me?ā
I was sick and tired of my wife refusing to have sex with me.
So I took matters into my own hands…
I canāt believe itās been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday
I canāt wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Where does King TāChalla live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
What do you call a math problem that you can touch and feel?
An algebraille equation.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
I Broke My Finger Last Week…
On the other hand, Iām okay.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
My teacher told me I would never be good at poetry because of my dyslexia
But so far Iāve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
The people in Dubai donāt like the Flintstones..
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
You’re a Wizard, dad!
Emma Watson?
Sauron is a great name.
It has a nice ring to it.
My wife asked me, āDo you think our kids are spoiled?ā
I said, āNo. Most of them smell that way.ā
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I got an e-mail saying, “At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!” and I thought to myself…
āThatās just spam.ā
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree hasnāt been the worst thing that happened to me today.
But itās definitely up there.