Sorry got nothing
Digging giant tunnels underground.
There would be mass confusion
I will down vote myself on the way out….
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to her and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a handsome prince.”
She bent over, picked up the frog and put it in her pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a handsome prince, I will stay with you for one week.” The engineer took the frog out of her pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a prince, I’ll be your devoted boyfriend.” Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into her pocket. Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a handsome prince, and that I’ll be your devoted boyfriend. Why won’t you kiss me?” The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a boyfriend, but a talking frog……that’s cool.”
As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.
I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.
I went to ask my daughter: Where do you park when you visit the moon? (Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!) But straight faced she replies: Anywhere you can find space. Then she grinned… (she knew what she was doing)… space dad. get it? in space…. Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Because when they left the old country, immigration officers put a sticker on their lapel that read To NY.
It would definitely spice up my autobiography.
A rip off
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
There was just too much history between us.
I don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said. “By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied. The DEA officer exploded, saying “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the federal government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want, have I made myself clear?!” I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life being chased by my angry rodeo bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life. I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking badge!”
Sorry just practicing
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
‘You wanna pizza me?’
So I took matters into my own hands…
I can’t believe it’s been more than a hundred years since Einstein proposed his Theory of Relativity.
It feels like only yesterday.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes. For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said. Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment. "St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?" St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
An algebraille equation.
She's an essential oil worker now.
On the other hand, I’m okay.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I told her it's about time.
But so far I’ve made 3 vases and a jug so fuck you!
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
They work it out with a pencil.
It has a nice ring to it.
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
Comes great response ability.
But it’s definitely up there.