Sorry if bad cropping
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Did you hear about the guy who was killed in the can crusher?
It was soda pressing.
I told my boss that I was tired of being a human cannonball.
Then he fired me.
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
A kid asks his mom, “how was I born?”
The mother replies. Well, your dad and I took a little seed. We made a hole on the ground and covered it with earth. We watered it and took care of it. After some time, a plant came out of the ground and started to grow leaves. We took the leaves and smoked them and then we were so high that we fucked without a condom. And that's how you were born.
Imagine Convincing Someone From The Past That These Are Actual Headlines From 2019
https://ift.tt/2NoXPGg
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
What did the big traffic light say to the little traffic light?
Don’t look while I’m changing!
I love the F5 key
It's so refreshing
I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
Did you hear about the electrician who drank on the job?
He got buzzed
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
My friend’s girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
I went to an auction today where they were selling a cheese grater once owned by both Hitler and Osama Bin Laden.
It was the grater of two evils.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight Professor X: that’s not going to help us Me: yes I see that now
2 tampons are walking past each other, which one says “hi”, first.
Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.
I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.
They didn't like me critter sizing.
A man goes into his garden and notes a broken fence.
He thus searches online for someone to fix his fence for him, but he is not satisfied with their prices – that is, until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing; but since it’s free, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he hires him. Sure enough, a few days later, the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand. The man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later, the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished; and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can’t just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free, he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk. “It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair,” noted the man. “Why do you do it?” The monk replied, “Religious reasons.” The man then says, “I don’t know much about Buddhism. Why do you need to repair fences?” “Because,” the monk replied, “you would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting.”
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
What do you call a fish stuck in a tree?
A fish stick! My 4 year olds first joke.
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?” “The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by laying in bed all day
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
Sex is like math
You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don't multiply
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful