Sorry if it’s a repost
My wife believes she’s a satellite radio.
At first I thought she was kidding, but apparently she's sirius.
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Did you know the keyboard never sleeps
Because it has two shifts
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,
I've said it before.
I have seen a kidnapping.
I decided to let the kid sleep
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet ?
Because they lactose
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.
The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."
A friend in Germany tells me everyoneās panic buying sausages and cheese.
Itās the Wurst KƤse scenario.
Kidney stones?
I think I'll pass.
Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
People asked me to stop naming Bruce Willis movies…
But you know what they say, old habits pulp fiction.
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
I knew this butcher who accidentally backed into his meat grinder
He got a little behind in his work
Why do walruses swim in salt water?
Because if they swam in peppered water theyād sneeze all the time.
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
My girlfriend asked me to stop singing wonderwall
I said maybe.
A magician escaped a police car chase by entering a neighborhood…
And turning into a driveway.
If you are addicted to masturbation, talk to a priest.
He'll be happy to help you beat it.
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
Weād better get some support or people will think weāre nuts.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customersā¦
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
How do you get drunk from a glass of water?
Land in it when they're not looking
I drive around and sell pies. Key Lime for $6 and Pecan pie for $8.
Those are the pie rates of the car I be in. (I married two old jokes together, I hope thatās ok)
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing “Danger Zone” six times in a rowā¦
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…
Welcome back to the plastic surgery addicts support group
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here and I must say I'm very disappointed…
I’m so tired of jokes about gay people
I mean come on guys
Not a joke, just a thank you.
But seriously, thank you to everyone on this sub. I end my class periods with a joke of the day every day and I usually take them from here. There is never a day where the students don't unanimously sigh at the punch line!
Iām really excited about the new movie about tractors that is coming out soon.
I just saw the trailer.
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einsteinās dad: Damn son, itās about time.
Wise old saying
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today and as we were walking around, he suddenly shouted, ālook at the frickinā elephant, dad!ā
I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us… āWhat did you just call it?ā I asked. āIt's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the podium!ā he said, and so it did, African Elephant.
I come from a long line of wood winds, so I was shocked when my daughter said she wanted to be a percussionist
But thinking back, when I checked her instrument case, the cymbals were always there.
Why did the cannibal love Abraham Lincoln?
Because of the greatest speech ever written, "Four score and seven ears ago…"