Sorry if repost but damn good for him
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave my too weak notice!
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
What washes up on tiny beaches?
Microwaves!
The man next to me on this rollercoaster won’t stop screaming.
Its like he's never seen a penis before.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
When does a joke become a “dad joke”?
When it becomes apparent
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
Where does Black Panther stay when he’s in New York?
His wakondo.
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute…
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute… He says “how much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “ $250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“ She says, “Honey, follow me “and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he figures he’ll try it, and what do you know, it’s great. It’s a week before he’s horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.” So he takes her up on it and it’s amazing. He’s absolutely drained for a month. Now he’s obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says “I gotta know, how much for the pussy?” “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”
My dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus. When he retired they had to close the show.
They couldn't find another man of his caliber.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. He had a terrible end,
but a lovely finish.
So, 3 nuns die in a car crash and end up before the gates of St Peter….
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven." He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?" The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden". St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?" The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve." "Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?" The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one". "Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?' She replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' 'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what?………… 'A Rectum Stretcher!' 'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge…
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
A boy asks his dad one day, “Dad, what’s the difference between confident and confidential?”
His dad replies, “Well, you’re my son – I’m confident about that. And your best friend Jimmy is also my son – that’s confidential.”
A child’s laughter is the best thing you can hear.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
A man goes to a dear friend’s funeral. He asks the widow if he could say a word for the deceased.
She says "Go ahead". He says "Plethora". She thinks for a second, looks down and replies "Thank you. That means a lot".
What do you call a flower getting a sex change?
A Transplant
What kind of conversation did the pirate have?
An ARRRgument with his wife
What do podiums like to sing?
I'm a dais, I'm a DAIS! I'm a DAIS!
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.
Two twins have a race in the morning
One says to the other 'I bet I can get dressed faster than you' So each hurriedly puts their socks on, followed by their underwear and trousers, both at the same time. Now the hard part! Each fumbled frantically with their buttoned shirts, quickly but painstakingly ensuring that each button was right – a minute or so later each finished the last button at the same time. The heat was on! It was all down to the last item of clothing! It was a tie.
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
So there’s a fly…and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “is there a gnat on my back?” The gnat says, “gnat at all.” The fly says, “that’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard. ” The gnat goes, “what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!”
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
Why don’t blind people go skydiving?
It scares the hell out of the dog.
I recently became addicted to viagra..
My wife has been taking it really, really hard.
Alcoholic snails.
Must have a hard time sneaking out to the pub without the wife noticing.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two sacks…
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday.
That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
I WRITE MY JOKES IN CAPITALS
THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS
Why are French omelettes so small?
Because one egg is un oeuf.