Sorry Java friends
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
My wife claims a man in camouflage is sexy
I just don't see it myself
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth’s All Star a lot.
Whether they like it or not.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.
It was a risk I was willing to take.
Did you hear about the cow who tried to jump over a barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
Have you ever tried blind folded archery?
You don't know what you're missing
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
This is definitely something my dad would say
https://ift.tt/36v2CNJ
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
I’m not racist, i love all races equally
Black, asian, normal, it doesn't matter
What is the loneliest cheese?
Prov-Alone
Walking is just teleportation…
but with extra steps!
Who first used propaganda?
The Australians. They asked you to take a “proper gander over there”
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
Please don’t make any more jokes about the Coronavirus…
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I hate dying
It will be the last thing I do.
Congratulations, r/Jokes! You are now featured as the most eco friendly subreddit of 2019!
Why? Because everything here is recycled. To everyone on r/Jokes, thank you so much for doing your part in saving the environment!
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie. She said, “What movie would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
A bear walks into a bar…
The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and……………………….coke please. Bartender says: “Why the big pause?” Bear replies: “I was born with them.” Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed the drink and location). Here’s how it happened: 2yo Child, While holding her bear: Um, daddy?Can I have…………………………..milk pwease? Me: Sure sweetie, but why the big pause?! Only I laughed…my ass off. Guess I’ll just, grin and bear all the repost comments.
Cosmetic surgery used to be something that people would be embarrassed to speak about
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
