Sorry Java friends
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34
ME: I can’t afford that PIZZA GUY: Well you’ll have to pay some other way. ME: [takes out wallet] Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars. PORN DIRECTOR: Cut! The fuck are you doing?
I recently got a Delorian but…
…I only drive it from time to time.
I am so bored being stuck at home that I decided to memorize six pages of a dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
A guy died from laughing too much.
It was a manslaughter.
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
Why is the KKK against triathlons?
They don't believe in the mixing of races.
For an experiment, my son as been wearing a different Manchester United top for two weeks. So far he’s been spat at, verbally abused, and punched…
God knows what will happen to him when he leaves the house.
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
“Did you just stand there watching me fall and drop all the laundry?”
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, " ;because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because Im responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work… The ass hole is usually in charge.
My girlfriend just emailed me
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
Two hunters lost in the woods
They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a sudden a group of armed men appear and start shooting at him. The hunter turns right back and yells at his friend "RUN!!! IT'S NOT A BACON TREE, IT'S A HAM BUSH!!!!"
Just spent $300 dollars on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn’t include a driver……
Cant believe i just spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.
A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours
I ran into a girl at a vegetarian restaurant that said she new me
But I've never met herbivore
What’s one vegetable you should NEVER bring on a boat?
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Where do little jokes come from?
Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
