Sorry my mic cut out
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
eBay is so useless..
I tried to find a lighter and they had only 45324 matches…
Whats the opposite of minimum?
maxidad
I could really see myself making mirrors.
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What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the fresh prints
A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer “That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc. The next day, again. On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells "here's your change asshole!" The guy looks down at the coins and says: "I'll have another beer, please."
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.
The other day I saw a bucket at the hardware store with a sign that said: dead batteries – $1 each.
I thought to myself “these should be free of charge”.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Why do Italians love soccer?
Because they get to switch sides halfway through.
Murphy calls to see his mate, Paddy, who is bedridden with a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
Two goldfish were sitting in a tank. At one point, one of them turns to the other.
Do you know how to drive this thing?
I’ve lost my scapegoat.
I have nobody to blame but myself.
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
At a bar, my friend made a remarkable shot in pool, and I asked how he did it.
He said, "When I am about to take a shot, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to shoot." Then he threw a dart and got a bullseye on the first throw and I asked how he could aim the dart so well. He said, "When I am about to throw a dart, it's like magic, I can just see the line where I need to throw it." Later, he got in a fight with another guy at the bar. He threw a punch and missed badly. I asked how he could throw such a poorly aimed punch. He said, "There is no punch line."
What are Mexicans built of?
Amigo acids
The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)
Another classic… A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. … … … … The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' …. I just lost it!
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
Two American journalists are in London.
Two American journalists are in London attending a press convention. That evening they are in the bar chatting to fellow UK journalists when the subject of how headlines are written came up. The UK journo's commented that the Headlines in America are far too long. They need to be much shorter, and to the the point. "Interesting", said the American journ'o, "can you give us an example?" "Well", said the UK guy, "take this crime that happened yesterday, a mental patient escapes from the local funny farm, enters a laundry, rapes one of the washer women and runs off. What headline would you use?" The two thought for a moment and said." Maniac sexually assaults laundry worker and escapes". "See," Says the UK guy, "too long". "what's your headline then?", said the American. The UK guy smiles and said, "Nut screws washer and bolts".
I called the doctor and screamed, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?” He said, “Calm down, is this her first child?”
I shrieked, “No! This is her husband!"
What do you call a hen that counts her eggs?
A mathemachicken.