Sound advice
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
What do you get if you cross Islam with Capitalism?
No more jokes about the profit.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: āSuuuuureee YOU can!ā
I got a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant.
But apparently all it does is change the color of the baby
Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.
She's an essential oil worker now.
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
Pilot: *over intercom* weāre all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
What’s the difference between Al Capone and Anakin Skywalker driving an Uber
One's a tax evader, the other is a taxi Vader
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Only a fraction of the people will get this joke
Husband: The kids havenāt eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar…
I donāt remember the rest.
My wife thought I wouldnāt be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'
Three scientists in a car
So the three scientists, Heisenberg, Schrƶdinger, and Ohm are in a car on the highway. They get pulled over by a cop and the cop goes up to Heisenberg who is driving and asks ādo you know how fast you were going?ā Heisenberg says, āno, but I know where I amā. The cop replies āwell you were going 70 in a 35 zoneā and Heisenberg says āgreat! Now Iām lost!ā Anyways, the cop is suspicious so asks to check the trunk of the car. He comes back and says āhey, you know thereās a dead cat back there?ā and Schrƶdinger replies āgreat! Youāve ruined the whole thing!ā. So the cop is fed up, he pulls Heisenberg out and arrests him, and does the same with Schrƶdinger, but had a problem with Ohm because he resisted.
Did you know crocodiles can grow up to 15 feet?
But most only have 4 š
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Iāve been trying to open the bra of my girlfriend for 20 minutes now…
I wish I had never put it on.
āDad, Iām so excited. I got a B in reading!ā
Dad: Thatās a D, idiot.
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says āIāll have to see some idā.
I love the way the earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
What is a pirateās favorite letter?
(After they reply with R) Ye think itād be Arr, but me first love be the C
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts…
Now sheās a medium.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack