Soy vay
How much sex does a person who likes both men and women have?
Just enough to get Bi
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
There was a joke about fishing I was going to tell you…
Oh no, I forgot the line!
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
A man takes a seat on a plane next to, none other than, the Pope.
The whole flight the man sweats beads being so nervous having been sat next to his holiness. The man is able to keep his calm and avoid an awkward conversation as the Pope focuses all of his attention on a crossword puzzle. A couple hours into the flight the man hears his Holiness mumbling in frustration at his puzzle. Eventually the man musters up the nerve to ask the Pope “is there anything I can help you with?” The Pope says “yes my son. I need a 4-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT” The man is absolutely horrified. He can’t tell the Pope the answer!! He is the most holy earthling alive. So he thinks and thinks and thinks until finally- it comes to him. He shouts out “of course! Aunt!” The Pope returns to his puzzle and mumbles again before turning back to the man and asks “do you have an eraser?”
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time…
are they guilty of resisting a rest?
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirate…
Her name was Mae T
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.
I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
A British doctor says: “In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job.”
The German doctor replies: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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I was told to post this here
this here
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
The rotation of the earth really makes my day.
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I asked 100 women which kind of shampoo they used.
The number one answer was, "How the hell did you get in here?"
A farmer gets interviewed
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give? Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one? Interviewer: Brown one. Farmer: a couple of litres per day. Interviewer: And the black one? Farmer: A couple of litres per day. Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat? Farmer: Which one? Black or brown? Interviewer: Black. Farmer: It eats grass. Interviewer: And the other one? Farmer: Grass. Interviewer (now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?! Farmer: Because the black one’s mine. Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one? Farmer: It’s also mine.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
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I told Mike Tyson about the hippo that’s trained to use a toilet, but he seemed skeptical.
Keeps calling it a hippo potty myth
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
The nicest thing you could ever do for someone is define the word “bargain”.
It means a great deal.
I just figured out why Beyoncé’s hair is always blowing in every picture.
It is because she has so many fans.
There’s an easy trick you can use to calculate your IQ
It's 150 minus the number of toilet rolls you have at home
Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits…
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"