Space Force is go!
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
I like the sound of “fiancé”
It has a ring to it.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf…
He said "Sorry man. The steaks are too high."
I started carrying a knife after a mugging attempt a few months ago.
After that my mugging attempts have been very successful
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.
Peter is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye
It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.. Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.' He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he.
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”. She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”. Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is extremely embarrassed and slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles and says quietly “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a psychology student and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations”. To this, the man responds at the top of his voice “WHAT DO YOU MEAN £800?”
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
If you regret your vote in 2016, don’t worry about it
Hindsight is 2020
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,………. Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.” “I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.” “Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed. “ Good”, she replied. …………… “Get your own f***ing blanket.” After a moment of silence, …………………… he farted.
I woke up this morning and found that someone has dumped a bunch of celery on my front porch.
I think I’m being stalked.
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
What do you call smart person in America?
A tourist.
I was using the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance
So I pushed her over
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it’d be a chicken sedan.
Schrodinger’s Crush
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
I couldn’t join the KKK, apparently my bloodline isn’t pure enough
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
I hate two things
math
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Chocolate pie costs $1 in Jamaica and $1.25 in Aruba
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny…
I just gave them my too weak notice…
A plane is full of a bunch of Redditors…
And suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants (who frequents r/AskReddit) notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?” Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but….
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
My wife tapped me on the shoulder and complained that Susan was keeping her awake.
"Who the fuck is Susan?" I asked. She said, "You tell me. You were the one sleep talking."
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Daughters boyfriend introduced himself to me he said “Hi sir I’m david, nice to meet you”.
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said "then why are you shaking?"
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
