Space science
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who’s the most vicious vampire among them.
3 vampires are having a competition to prove who's the most vicious vampire among them. The strongest one started 1st, "watch this," He said as he flies so fast, about 100 miles/hour. After only 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth. "what happened?" they asked. "did you see that house over there?" "yes?" "well.. I killed the entire family and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? fascinating, as expected from the strongest vampire" Then the eldest one takes the next turn "watch and learn," he said as he flies even faster, about 120 miles/hour. After only 5 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth and his neck. "what happened??" they asked. "did you see that village over there?" "ye..yes?" "well.. I killed every last person on that village and sucked the blood dry!" "wow!? magnificent! truly amazing, we can expect no less from the eldest one!" Finally the last turn belongs to the fastest one, "don't blink or you'll miss it" he said as he flies really fast, even faster than the other two, about 140 miles/hour. After only a mere 30 seconds, he comes back with blood all over his mouth, his neck, and his nose. "wh..what happened???" they asked. "did you see that big ass tree over there?" "ye..yes?!" "well.. I didn't"
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
I hired a landscape gardener…
But he said he couldn’t help as my garden was portrait.
A bullet says he quit his job
He was actually fired
Have you tried German sausages?
They're the wurst
“Push harder” I shouted at my wife while she was in labor…
"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. "Screw you" she screamed back at me. Bit harsh I thought…… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!
My wife was complaining that I’m too lazy. I told her it’s not my fault.
Laziness walks in my family.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Earlier today, a man was seen robbing a prosthetic limb factory.
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
I hit my friend with a huge crystal of sodium chloride.
I got arrested for a salt!
Old but gold
A new Army Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asked the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, sir," was the nervous reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have …m-m-m…. urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." The Captain said, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay." About a month later, the Captain started having a real problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, he asked the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stood on it, pulled down his pants, and had wild, insane sex with the camel. When he was done, he asked the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replied. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
I hate Russian dolls
they're so full of themselves.
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water
Schwepped her off her feet
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
I come from a family of failed magicians.
I've got two half sisters.
Funny because it’s ironic and Sad because corona time will never be the same again. 😭
https://ift.tt/3bhTAoM
TIL why Americans removed the letter U from the British spelling of words like humour and colour.
Because Fuck U, that's why.
A joke isn’t really a dad joke
until it’s fully groan.
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
What do we want? Race car noises. When do we want them?
NYYYYOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW
My wife told me im unable to describe my feelings
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
Five years ago, I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times
An American doctor is doing aid work in an Afghan village.
A woman in the village gives birth to a white baby. The village leader goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I am no fool. You’re the only white man around for miles. That baby must be yours.” The doctor is caught off guard and as he’s pondering what to say he sees a group of goats. The goats are mostly white but there’s one brown goat. The doctor tells the village leader: “Look over at those goats! See, sometimes this happens naturally. All those goats are white except for that one brown one.” The village leader looks to the doctor and says: “Ahh I see your point, doctor. Tell you what, I won’t say anything about that white baby if you don’t say anything about that brown goat”
Will glass coffins ever be popular?
Remains to be seen
Just got offered a job as a Waiter
It's probably because I can bring a lot to the table.
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine
Who is this Rorschach guy
And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
My girlfriend warned me she would break up if I didn’t stop making jokes about oral sex.
I said "That's hard to swallow."
It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.
Alcohol IS a solution.
I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it…
I keep it scattered on beaches all over…
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor
The boiled water died
It shall me mist