special relativity
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One's really heavy and the other's a little lighter
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
I didnโt know why the baseball was getting bigger.
And then it hit me!
What do you call a teacher who doesnโt like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It’s very rewarding, but quite challenging.
Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.
I was once addicted to soap.
Now Iโm clean.
WHAT DO WE WANT?! LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?! NEEEEYOOOOOOOOW
What do you call 2 fat goths?
Morbidly obese. I know I shouldnt joke about obese people they've got enough on their plate.
I donโt like Civil War jokes
I General Lee donโt find them funny
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
I farted in an Apple store and everyone got mad at me.
I told them itโs not my fault you donโt have windows.
Why didn’t the angry customer want to hear what the employee had to say?
She wasn't Karen about any opinion but her own.
Iโve been training for months to achieve the world record title of โFurthest Ejaculationโ.
I canโt believe how far Iโve come.
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
TIL Mr. T’s grandmother was a pirateโฆ
Her name was Mae T
There’s a certain way people look at you when you accidentally drop a baby.
Compared to deliberately throwing one across the room.
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. โDo you mind waiting for a bit?โ The manager asked. โNot at allโ I replied.
โGood, take these lasagnas to table 6โ he said.
As a wheat farmer, I keep having these strange headachesโฆ
My doctor said it's my grains…
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
Itโs called making the little things count.
There’s this kid named Tommy. He has no body. He is just a head.
Tommy was born without a body or any limbs, so his entire life he has existed as a head only– he learned to roll around, use his mouth to maneuver things, and live just like a normal kid. One day Tommy rolled into school just like any other day, banged against his locker to open it, started to get his books when, all of a sudden, he spots a new student. Tommy thinks she's absolutely beautiful. Her hair is perfect, her body is amazing (which Tommy slightly envied, but had gotten over those thoughts mostly by now), and she had an amazing sense of fashion. There was just one thing off about this girl though; she only had one eye, and in place of her other eye was a prosthetic eye made of wood. It didn't even look like a real eye, it just looked wooden. Tommy saw her and his jaw dropped to the floor– "What's her name?" He asked a friend. "Oh, her? That's Sally, the girl with a wooden eye." Tommy saw past her wooden eye and was starstruck ever since he first laid eyes on Sally. He made it his mission to ask Sally to prom. Weeks later, Tommy finally gathered the courage to ask his crush the big question. He rolled up to her in the cafeteria and said, "Hey Sally, I'm Tommy. I was wondering if you wanted to go to Prom with me?" Sally looked down at him for a second, and said, " Uhmm.. I'm sorry Tommy.. I don't think so." This devastated Tommy. He had felt all sorts of pain and denial in his life from not having a body. He knew what rejection and denial felt like having been left out of all the activities full bodied people could do. But nothing hurt quite as much as this. His heart was shattered. And then Tommy turned into a grape. So now Tommy is a grape, just rolling around school, and he is depressed like never before. People see Tommy and notice that something is off with him. He's so depressed, that he turned into a grape. Sally sees this and begins to feel really bad. "Was I too harsh?" she asked a friend, " Maybe I should go try to make it up to him." Now Sally made it her mission to ask Tommy to the prom, and hopefully he would return to normal. After school, Sally went by Tommy's house and knocked on the door. Tommy answered, and she was surprised for a second that a grape could answer the door– but nonetheless, she moved forward with her mission. "Tommy, I wanted to ask you something… Would you go to prom with me?" Tommy didn't believe his ears for a second– the most beautiful girl he had ever seen had just asked him to the prom! Without thinking, he replied, "Oh wood eye, wood eye!" Sally was offended and crushed him. The moral of the story: Stop while you're a head.
How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.