Specs be like
What do you call a tired skeleton?
The Grim Sleeper
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high….
She looked surprised…
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He's an artificial sweetner.
Reddit’s freedom of speech
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What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th July
But not Fire. Fire works
What do you call an epileptic emperor?
Julius seizure
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
What do you call a pirate’s trash?
Yarrbage
![[OC] u/vaaliera Ahaha phone bad](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/l6trm5rq9ni41-400x663.jpg)
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
What do you call a time period when Lamborghini starts to produce electric cars only?
"Silence of the Lambs"
My girlfriend just admitted she was having an affair with our teacher.
I don't know what's worse, that I'm being cheated on or the fact we're both homeschooled.
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
I’m a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children!
Edit: four children Second edit: 2 children!
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They only talk about change.
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
Jews foreskin be like
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Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
![[OC] 6 Pereopods Apart](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/no_image_card-122-400x247.png)
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
“Push harder”, I shouted at my wife while she was in labor. “Screw you”, she yelled back at me.
A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
I want to share a corona virus poem I wrote today.
Everybody was Kung Flu fighting, That crap was fast as lightning, In fact, it was a little bit frightening, The experts couldn’t predict the timing, Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.
He must be a part of some extreme mist group.
A pretty good joke told to me by a coworker
One day little Billy approached Mr. Johnson's house and knocked on the door. After they exchanged a few pleasantries, little Billy asked Mr. Johnson, "Sir, I noticed ya got some milkweed growing in your backyard, mind if go back there and get some milk?" Amused by the request, Mr. Johnson replied, "Son, knock yourself out." knowing full well that he couldn't possibly get milk from milkweed. Sure enough, Billy came back to Mr. Johnson with 2 pails of milk. Little Billy thanked the now shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door again. "Afternoon Mr. Johnson, I noticed ya had some buttercups growing in your backyard, mind if I get some butter?" Curious this time around, Mr. Johnson replied, "Sure son, go right ahead." knowing full well he couldn't possibly get butter from a buttercup. Sure enough, Billy came back with 2 buckets of butter. Again, Billy thanked a now even more shocked and speechless Mr. Johnson and went on his way. The next day little Billy knocked on Mr. Johnson's door for a third time. Mr. Johnson, very intrigued by little Billy's strange requests eagerly greeted the young man. "How can I help you today son?" said Mr. Johnson. "Well sir, I noticed ya had some pussy willows growing in your backyar-" and before Billy could finish Mr. Johnson interrupted, "Hold on Billy! Let me go get my boots!"
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
COVID spelled backwards is DIVOC
which is fitting cause I have no idea what DIVOC is going on
I didn’t lose my virginity til I was 23…
other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.
