Speech 100
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
I have a stepladder…
It's a very nice step ladder, but it's sad that I never knew my real ladder.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
What’s the favorite drink of pornstars?
7 up in cider.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
My mom turned 45 last week. So during an argument, I would tell her
"Well, you're half right."
My buddy said he doesn’t know what cloning is
That makes two of us.
McCain: Held as POW during Vietnam War Trump: Evaded Vietnam War, now hides in bunker
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![AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I SURE HOPE SOMEONE GETS THIS SUPER COMPLEX JOKE HAHAHAH I’M FUCKING DEAD 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 [x-post /r/mathmemes]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/oa1acis08ht11-400x331.jpg)
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas
It was motherfucking gold
My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on
I don't know why she became so mad. It's pretty fucking hard to write on sand.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile, he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
When I was a child I wondered where the sun went at night
Then it dawned on me
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
My sister bet me a hundred dollars i couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
A shy man enters a bar
He sees a cute girl sitting at the bar and sits down near her. About an hour later he finally comes up to her and quietly asks her: -Excuse me miss, could I buy you a drink? The girl screams: -No! I am NOT having sex with you!! Everyone at the bar turns and stares at him. Humiliated, he walks away. A few minutes later the girl walks up to him and says: -I'm sorry I embarrassed you. See, I am a psychology student and I am observing human behavior in uncomfortable situations. The man turns and yells: -What do you mean for $200?!
I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
We thank all the essential employees which is why we decided to cut your wages
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A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
My roomate and i did this game where we cleaned up another ones room everyday.
We were maid for each other.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Vote for whoever you want- but don’t say it will definitively work out this time.
https://ift.tt/2TgTgk9
When I was in Nepal I decided to eat some roadkill. I asked the chef where he got it and
He said “Himalayan on the street.”
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
This will probably get deleted because it’s not a clean joke, but I wanted to say thanks.
Two weeks ago a dear friend went into the hospital on bed rest with preeclampsia in hopes of keeping her baby in utero a little longer. To keep her cheered, I visited r/cleanjokes every day and sent her jokes throughout the day. She had her little preemie today … only 3 pounds but healthy. My friend told me she really looked forward to the jokes … and I found all of them here. So thank you to all of you who helped keep her cheered while she gave her precious baby more time.
I’m unhappy because my neighbor’s sheep aren’t clipped properly.
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
