speech 100
At age 12, Little Johnny was blessed with a nine inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.
Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings. Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars. With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2 dollars each. Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed, I sold for 2 dollars each. Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on… A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Hey girl are you HTTP?
Because you're really insecure
I like the guy who wrote “What Is Love”
He really Haddaway with words.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it…
I think I managed to cover my tracks…
What do you call egg salad that’s just okay?
Ehh-gg salad.
(At parole hearing) Officer: Why should we release you?
Man: I th.. Officer: Yes? Man: The reas.. Officer: Go on. Man: May I please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
Gay couples shouldn’t be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Did you hear about the pancake?
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are unfaithful….
Now I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend.
Son comes home from school…
Son: Dad, we got a strange new girl in class today with a really weird name… Dad: Now son, you shouldn’t think less of a person because of that person’s name. Son: I understand. Dad: Just curious, what is her name? Son: Nonstick Cookingspray Dad: ……what the hell kind of name is that? Son: That’s what I said! I tried calling her Pam but… Dad: …but what..,? Son: It just didn’t stick.
A bishop, a priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar
The rabbit says “I think I’m a typo”
My girlfriend said that quilts are better than duvets..
I told her she should be careful making blanket statements like that.
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
Why did the pilot blush?
Because he saw the airstrip
