I am sad but it’s a great weight off my shoulders
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
It was the end of my Korea
Nobody laughed at first, but eventually everyone got it.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
Sadly, no one approved of their relationship. In the old days no one like mixed race marriages.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
So I can say to people "hey look, it's a terrorwrist".
Witnesses say he's armed and dangerous.
It has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
My wife is pregnant with our first child so I'm stepping up my joke game to reach dad level. Mother's day was not so long ago, and since she isn't a mother yet but only a future mother, I didn't get her flowers I only got her seeds, which are future flowers. At least I found it hilarious and so did she. Hope you guys enjoy this!
Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten? Kristen: sure. Christen: Thank you. Kris: Anytime.
Because sometimes they have to draw blood.
Looks like I’m gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
The second time let me down
Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant
They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed – service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside. The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in here." The man replies, you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." Skeptical, the manager asks, "your guide dog is a doberman?" The man replies, "you see, a doberman helps protect me against burglars." The manager lets him through. The chihuahua guy sees this and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and walks inside. The manager approaches him and says, "sir, you can't bring your dog in here." The man replies, "you don't understand, this is my seeing guide dog." The manager, ever so skeptical, asks, "your guide dog is a chihuahua?" The man, quick to think, says, "a chihuahua? They gave me a chihuahua?!?"
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
He walks up to the bartender and says "Can I get a……………….beer?" Bartender says "Why the big pause?" Bear responds "idk man I was born with them"
I don’t mean to brag… but my Christmas wrapping is art. I wrap presents like it’s an extension of my soul.
It just so happens my soul is twisted, torn, and barely held together with tape.
Because he hated the juice.
Her: knock knock Me: who's there? Her: eye lo Me: eye lo who? Her: eye lo you This is isn't funny but I had to share my lil 2 year old's first knock knock joke
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!!!!!!!" Tom's reply: "I wasn't".
It was Othello… and then Othgoodbye.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed