Spent an hour at the wife’s grave tonight.
Bless her, she still thinks I’m digging a pond.
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
A magician never tells his secrets.
Except on the black hat market.
Doctor: I can’t find out what your problem is. It could be due to excess alcohol consumption.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!
How do birds communicate?
They Tweet.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke…
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
Harry Potter has way too many characters…
Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
My boss the cannibal told me that eating people was company policy…
I found it a little hard to swallow.
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs,
I'd have a pound.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
I’ve squirted an entire bottle of No More Tears in my baby’s face… …
and she's still crying. Parenting is hard
They found the murderer of Captain Crunch.
It was a cereal killer.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
My son told me he had a hole in his shoe today
I said yes son, that's where you put your foot in
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
Brave Knight Edward is going to crusade
He doesn't know if he will ever come back or not. So, he puts on an iron chastity belt on his wife, gives the key to his best friend Micheal and says, "If I don't come back in 3 years, set her free". Michael agrees and brave Knight Edward sets out on his big black horse. He gallops toward the hills, knowing he may be leaving his beloved city forever. When on top of the hills, he looks back, just to have one last look at his beloved city. To his surprise he sees a big cloud of dust coming towards him. He waits and soon can make out the shapes of a horseman coming toward him as fast as the poor animal can manage. When the horseman is closer, he can finally see it is none other than his best friend Micheal. Michael stops his horse, still panting "you gave me the wrong keys".
I can’t believe I fell asleep at the wheel.
I'm not hurt, but my pottery is ruined
Burnt my hawaiian pizza last night.
Should have put the oven on aloha setting!
My dad said if he see me browsing reddit again, he’ll smash my head to the keyboard
I guess hezsjkfowgajqjhsjwkwlsvvcaxxacfasuoc
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Especially since his name is Steve
I circumcise elephants for a living.
It doesn’t pay much but the tips are huge.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
EVERY HAT RACK IN THE HOUSE FELL ON ME.
SORRY, I'M STUCK IN CAPS.
I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….
I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
What’s my blod type?
Typo
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry
It is interesting to realise that the Indian Gods are also called Devs
/r/teenagers/comments/f2yg7u/it_is_interesting_to_realise_that_the_indian_gods/
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills
But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.
[National dad conference]
Speaker: I'm glad you could all make it Whole crowd: in unison hi glad you could all make it We're dad Speaker: *Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit