Spin that bitch 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dad – “Nice shirt, is that felt?”
Son – “No, it is cotton. Here,” as he reaches his arm out to me and I touch his sleeve. Dad – “It’s felt now.”
Terrorist: “Say your last words!”
Terrorist: "Say your last words!" Dad: "Your last words!" Terrorist: "What? ugh, you Americans. Be serious!" Dad: "Okay, I'll be Sirius. Who are you going to be?" Terrorist: "Stop. Why isn't this scaring your?" Dad: "Nothing really scares me anymore; not since I saw that monster henway." Terrorist: "What's a 'henway'"? Dad: "About a pound and a half." Terrorist: "Stop! I'm serious!" Dad: "Hi Sirius! I'm Dad
No Kidding Only Coding, A funny satirical article on daily dilemma of an Indian Parent
https://ift.tt/3h1Ha88
I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.
Why must the grocery store workers let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic?
Because baggers can’t be choosers.
A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED! MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON. On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman with no arms or legs sitting in a wheelchair. The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you … you have no legs!" The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Damn girl, are you a toaster?
Because a bath with you would send me to heaven.
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform,
I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops.
I’ve just been reading that, by law, you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden and I’m thinking…
"Who's going to let me know when it's raining in Sweden?"
![[OC] t o p f a s h i o n](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/q6fx0ypeijb41-400x400.jpg)
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
My wife only eats one type of yogurt and refuses to try any other brand.
She discriminates against other cultures.
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
Why did no one want to marry the tennis player?
Love meant nothing to him.
Bros Vs. Hoes.
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
Why can’t a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
Dad: so at the ball drop we all have to put our left leg in the air
Me: why Dad: so we can start the new year on the right foot! Me: why are you the way that you are
I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show.
I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
My dad’s answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
When I was learning to drive, my driving instructor told me that I should wear a seatbelt because if I were to crash, the force could throw me out of the car.
I can’t believe that the fool thinks Star Wars is real.
I’ve just started knitting for the Mafia
They call me Scarf Ace
Why aren’t all oceans one depth?
They’re inconsistent seas.
I used to love blowing air at people’s faces…
…but I'm just not a fan anymore
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.” The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?” “We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”
I plant my herbs in alphabetical order
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
How long is a Chinese name.
It really is.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf…
I haven’t heard from him since…
