kid good, man bad
Replayed Sly Cooper as an adult… Bentley’s knowledge is “questionable”
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Where do horses go when they get sick?
To the horspital! Just kidding, they get shot.
No one tolerate this!!
What’s Yoda’s last name?
What is the best part about living in Switzerland?
I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.
A father decides to buy a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test the robot at dinner one night. He asks his son what he did that afternoon. The boy said "I did my homework." The robot slaps him. "Okay, okay! I watched a movie at my friend's house" said the boy. "What movie did you watch?" asked the father. The boy said "Toy Story." The Robot slapped him. "Okay, okay! We watched porn!" said the boy. "What?! When I was your age, I didn't even know what porn was!" said the father. The robot slapped him. The mother laughed "Well, he certainly is your son!" The robot slapped her.
Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.
An older man strolled by and saw the boy. He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?" The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old." The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he didn't eat giant candy bars for breakfast did he" The boy shook his head "Nope. he just minded his own fucking business."
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
And just like that they wanted that check
I just started buying stock from the market
I have beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be bouillonaire.
My deaf girlfriend just told me “I think we need to talk.”
That’s not a good sign.
A man spoke to each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college…
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
“I never knew my real ladder.”
It’s honest work…
It all depends on how you do it!!
What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
We know we’re in trouble when these two are on the same side…
Not really science but kinda science
Now we know
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
A man’s fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free. He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him. Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it. About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee. The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked the monk replied "Religious reasons." The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?" "Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
He really pinned Jim Jordan on the mat here, & I don’t think he’s getting up.
Lady G and the Male Escorts are Trending
What about bird law?
Tripped over a dead body. Drew a chalk circle around it.
Did my part for contact tracing.
A jewish man goes into a public restroom
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
I was drinking at a bar so i took the bus home
Seemed like a good idea at the time but i've never driven a bus before…
I don’t always roll joints…
But when I do it’s usually an ankle
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
Who can relate?
Coronavirus is a goldmine
Social media ruins everything…
Mom always said you can find something nice to say about anyone…
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
Not sure this belongs here, but my uncle shared this, who is a boomer.
Does this count?
He means a LittleBitOfEverything expert
The swordfish has few predators in the wild.
Except for the rare penfish, which is said to be mightier.
Cable repairman was on my street and asked what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 1pm
Me literally every time…
You know you have a snotty computer when this happens
The robits are coming
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
This one is actually a little much
Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships when returning to port?
So they can Scan da Navy in
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
That finally explains the craze for toilet paper 🧻🧻🧻
Would be nice to see this feature in google docs & slides
Found this repo
My grandfather’s last words were, “Gallons. Quarts. Litres.”
That spoke volumes.
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there…
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…
Thought quoting 3 hours was overdoing it.
One of those you feel guilty for finding funny
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
Aw poor guy
It’s an addiction…
Immune System! Assemble..
I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
From my training class
Why don’t balloons do drugs.
If they get to high they'll get busted
It do be like that