When it becomes fully groan.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
… because no pun in ten did.
Now we just have to call him Dav.
I will let you know.
He reads lips Credit to https contagious laughter
They are always working on current events.
He said yeah but it’s rare.
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
Deer balls, they’re under a buck… (Told to me by my 12yo son)
I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers, I mean you don’t see medical students calling themselves doctors…
Or art students calling themselves unemployed.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
"Hey gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?" She said, "Do you like sex?" I said, "Of course I like sex." She said, "Do you like to travel?" I said, "Yeah, I love to travel." She said, "Then fuck off."
(more like memeless quarter-of-sunday-and-monday today, starting a little earlier for administrative reasons).Memeless Mondays are now in effect, a system we’ve created that will hopefully improve content quality on the subreddit (at least for some part of the week).For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it isn’t on knowyourmeme and isn’t a quick edit of a template on kym, you’re probably fine.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Memeless Mondays end at 12AM EDT on Tuesday. If you have any concerns or changes you feel would improve this system, please send them via modmail. Thanks!Questions can go in this thread today, in the future please send them through modmail.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
It was great, but I can’t work out why I was the only naked person there.
But I was immediately fired.
Or are they getting pressured into it?
But I turned myself around
Me: Well, it’s ……a long story.
A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
Yes we arson
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
One of them goes to an Egyptian family and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends his picture to his birth mother, who upon receiving it tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. His husbands responds,"They are twins, if you have seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
A father gave his three sons a duck each and asked them to go and try to sell them for the best price. The first son went out and sold his duck for $5, went home and told his dad what he had done. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The second son also sold his duck for $5. His father congratulated him and told him to go and buy himself a beer. The third son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I’ll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said “Ok”. They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I’ll give you your duck back if you’ll do me again. The boy agreed. While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said “I’m so sorry i killed your duck. I’ll give you $40 to make up for it. When the third son finally returned home in the evening, his dad asked how much he had made. He said “I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck.”
Tell him Obama put it in…
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
It goes back four seconds.
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
But I think this sub's doing even better!
I wonder what she's up to now?
She said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know… that's why I'm doing it to her.
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him…
As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded and a little hurt, she asked, "My ears!? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin! No blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears!?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming….that was me."