sports
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
My aunts sign was cancer so her death was ironic….
Eaten alive by a giant ass crab
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
A guy marvels at himself in the mirror
Guy: "Ah just three more inches and I'd be KING" His wife on the bed behind him: "Three inches less and you'd be QUEEN"
I have the eye of a tiger, the heart of a lion…
… and a lifetime ban from the New York Zoo.
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
My Dad made me watch a 20 minute video of why you should wear a condom during sex.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.
I may have gone overboard helping my 7th grade daughter with her science project video.
https://youtu.be/22ekP1YaHVg
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
I told a poltergeist that I’d give him $10,000 to leave my home forever
But when I didn't pay he came back and repossessed my house
A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight
“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope! In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness. Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began writing in the answers. "This is fantastic!” the gentleman mused. “I’m really good at crosswords!” It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance. Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, “Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt’?” The three Cardinals behind, in front of, and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor. The gentleman was in morbid shock. He couldn’t breathe. He thought within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, “I believe, Your Holiness, that you’re looking for the word, 'aunt’.” “Of course!” the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”
![days since last timezone issue [fixed]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/uq0eqz7yvf141-400x400.jpg)
I’m hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come, let me know.
Why is 77 better than 69?
You get 8 more!
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but…
They’re just waiting their turn.
Coronavirus
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
I’m starting to like my facial hair.
It's really growing on me
![[OC]True Story](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/tskwnb5z7u641-400x255.png)
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
knock knock
who's there? The electrician to fix your doorbell
I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car…
…when i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again
