Spot on
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
My grief counsellor died the other day..
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
How does music say goodbye
Audios
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
With the amount of his cronies locked up it seems like he’d let the lock up chant die.
https://ift.tt/2Y8K0BE
Why did Spiderman quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
A Mexican Magician tells audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says uno, dos….*poof*
He disappeared without a tres
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal
How many dead people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Apparently not 17, cuz my basement is still dark
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
NBC is developing a new realistic docudrama about Abraham Lincoln.
The finale will be shot before a live audience.
My wife told me, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you mop or sweep in my life!”
Me: Floors are beneath me.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator
A new twist on an old joke.
Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, "2, 4, 6, 8, 10". They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says "1, 3, 5, 7, 9". Finally they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, "Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th grade math teacher – and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time – my 4th grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she's ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I will do it. I will. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?"
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Does anyone feel like this as well?
Space heaters are the best house-warming gifts.
No text found
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
Why is masturbation just like procrastination?
It’s all good until you realize you’re only screwing yourself.
My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We’ve been married nine years today.
A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall. He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic. The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?" The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
What did the copper say to the scientist who was going back home
Cu Tips of to my classmate for telling me this
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.
The British general called one of his men over. “Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.” “Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running. He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and fired, destroying the tank all the while under heavy fire from the enemy trenches. “See, British soldiers are the bravest.” “That’s nothing” said the Russian General “Comrade! See that enemy soldier manning that machine gun there? Run across the mines into the trenches and kill him with a knife.” “Da, Comrade General!” The russian soldier bravely charges across the minefield under heavy fire, jumped into the trenches fought his way through many enemy soldier then being shot many times from the machine gun nest before reaching that soldier and slicing his throat after a bloody brawl. “Nobody more brave than Russian soldier.” The American general, unimpressed said “Let me show you all what real courage is.” He calls one of his men over. “Private! See that enemy command post over there? I want you to run naked across the minefields, fight your way through the trenches, go to the command post and kill the commanding officer bare handed!” Without hesitation, the American soldier flips him the bird and says “Go fuck yourself, General.” “See! Now that takes some real balls!”
When you see your Gurt
Yo, Gurt!
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him.
I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.
Why are nuns’ outfits always ill fitting?
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
any one who codes for games here ? i made a meme about it
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUqYIzh3kAE
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.
Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.