Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
My neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back…
It was wong on so many levels
He wasn’t a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough
Then I said 'im definite
Only driven from time to time.
Cause light attracts bugs.
I hope you're happy now
I haven’t heard from him since
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
Because they're so damn good at it.
It keeps giving me mixed results.
An American man, a French man, a Spanish man and a German man are standing on the sidewalk, trying to watch a street performer juggle bowling pins.
The juggler notices they're having a bit of trouble, so he stands on a large wooden box and says to them, "Can you see me now?" They answer one at a time: "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
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So one day, I just packed up my bags and right.
I almost went on Monday, I almost went on Tuesday, I almost went on Wednesday, I almost went on Thursday, I almost went on Friday, I almost went on Saturday and I almost went on Sunday.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Oddly it was just a 20min slide show with pictures of me…
The people of Dubai don’t like the Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
I don’t know what to make of it.
Now I call him Dav.
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table! Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?" She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."
A Roamin’ Catholic
I said, “You are just staggering.”
Its like I had never seen herbivore