To the people who don’t cover their mouths when they cough.
You make me sick.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
An attempt at OC after one year on Reddit.
I slept with a girl that works at Amazon last night. I got a text from her today that said: “People who slept with me also bought a STD kit and this 5 star genital wart cream.”
You know being self quarantined isn’t even that boring
But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.
What happens after you eat aluminum?
You sheet metal
What’s Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo
What’s the difference between a constipated owl and a bad marksman?
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
Having gay parents must be terrible
Either you have twice as many dad jokes or get stuck in an endless loop of "go ask your mother"
My friend is spreading rumours about me being schizophrenic.
Well, three can play that game!
My wife is really mad at the fact that i have no sense of direction.
So i packed up my stuff and right.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
Don’t you hate it when you smack a piñata expecting to find sweets inside…
And all you get is a hundred bee stings.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
My kid thinks ‘racist’ meant someone who is good at running.
Heard him tell his class mate, ‘You’re good at running. I bet when you grow up you are going to be a great racist.’ (Good luck today all you London Marathon racists!)
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure
What is the opposite of minimum?
minidad
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
“Do you tell your husband when you have an orgasm”?
"No, he doesn't like to be disturbed at work".
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.