Spot the difference

It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China find another job.

Cum on guys.

T‌‌he p‌‌oster r‌‌eads: "Must b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o t‌‌ype. M‌‌ust b‌‌e a‌‌ble t‌‌o p‌‌rogram. A‌‌nd m‌‌ust b‌‌e b‌‌ilingual. W‌‌e a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer." The d‌‌og t‌‌akes t‌‌he p‌‌oster i‌‌n h‌‌is m‌‌outh, a‌‌nd w‌‌alks i‌‌n. T‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌pots t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd d‌‌ecides t‌‌o h‌‌umour i‌‌t, p‌‌ulling u‌‌p a‌‌ c‌‌hair a‌‌nd a‌‌ c‌‌omputer w‌‌ith a‌‌ w‌‌ord p‌‌rocessor. "‌‌Alright, i‌‌f y‌‌ou w‌‌ant t‌‌o w‌‌ork h‌‌ere, y‌‌ou n‌‌eed t‌‌o f‌‌irst w‌‌rite a‌‌ l‌‌etter," a‌‌nd l‌‌eaves t‌‌he r‌‌oom. 30 m‌‌inutes l‌‌ater, h‌‌e c‌‌omes b‌‌ack i‌‌n, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as t‌‌yped o‌‌ut a‌‌ c‌‌ompletely e‌‌rror-free l‌‌etter. "Well, I‌‌'ll b‌‌e. T‌‌his i‌‌s a‌‌ s‌‌mart d‌‌og. B‌‌ut c‌‌an h‌‌e p‌‌rogram?", h‌‌e a‌‌sks h‌‌imself. 20 m‌‌inutes p‌‌ass, a‌‌nd t‌‌he d‌‌og h‌‌as m‌‌ade a‌‌ p‌‌erfectly r‌‌unning w‌‌ebsite f‌‌or t‌‌he s‌‌tore. He l‌‌ooks, s‌‌hocked, a‌‌t t‌‌he d‌‌og, a‌‌nd f‌‌inally s‌‌peaks. "‌‌Look, I‌‌ k‌‌now y‌‌ou h‌‌ave t‌‌he q‌‌ualifications, b‌‌ut, w‌‌ell… y‌‌ou're a‌‌ d‌‌og." The d‌‌og n‌‌udges t‌‌he w‌‌ords "‌‌We a‌‌re a‌‌n e‌‌qual o‌‌pportunity e‌‌mployer" o‌‌n t‌‌he p‌‌oster, a‌‌nd t‌‌he m‌‌anager s‌‌ighs. "There's n‌‌o w‌‌ay y‌‌ou're b‌‌ilingual." The d‌‌og l‌‌ooks h‌‌im i‌‌n t‌‌he e‌‌yes, a‌‌nd s‌‌ays, "‌‌Meow."

Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

Arthur Itis.

Layheehoo

You just can’t have anyone cashew.

I’ll only be telling inside jokes

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

From a distance they will look like hares.

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

Especially since his name is Steve

But my doctor just said B positive

He sees all the patient milling around in one room and suddenly one yells 34!and everybody laughs. A few minutes later someone else yells 68! And everybody cracks up laughing.What are they doing? The journalist asks the directior.Well, says the direction… you see, all these people have been together for so long and they've all been telling the same jokes through the years. So now they have a numbering system down, they yell the number and everybody knows the joke and the punchline, saves then telling the whole joke over again.Try one… says the director.Alright, says the journalist and yells 22 and nobody laughs…What happened?Ehh… says the director… that joke was lame

I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.

There's too much sax and violins

One day my prints will come.

…he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke. "Take this apple." "I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke." "Trust me, try the apple." The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!" "Yup. Turn it around." "Wow!" He says after taking a bite from the other side of the apple, "This side tastes like coke!" Before the man can ask the barman to explain the apple's mysteries, another patron walks in. "Vodka and tonic please mate" "Here's an apple." "I don't want a fuckin' apple mate, I want a…" "Trust me, try the man's apple. They're incredible!" Interrupts the first customer. He takes the apple and begrudgingly takes a large bite and starts spluttering; "Bloody hell this tastes like neat vodka!" Both the barman and the first customer yell "Turn it around!" in unison. The man obliges and exclaims "Wow! This tastes like tonic water. These apples are fantastic!" A third man saunter's up to the bar; "Pint of IPA please mate". "Hold on!" Says the second customer. "This guy has an apple in any flavour you want, it's incredible!" "Any flavour?" Asks the third man. "Any flavour you want sir." Say the barman. "In that case, gimme an apple that tastes like pussy!" "Um.. alright" says the barman as he hands him an apple. The man takes a bite and immediately spits everything onto the bar. "EEErrrughcchh!!! This apple tastes like shit!!" "TURN IT AROUND!!"

it looks fishy

She keeps running away from the ball.

He called it his Run-around suit

He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements. edit:OC

but a lovely finish.

… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.

We just clicked.

They are a big part of pop culture

That's the last thing I need.

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio. Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”

Verb, not adjective

Eclipse it.

A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.

He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke

the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.

And the result was staggering.

They did unspeakable things to me.

well i cant because he's not here

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places