Spot The Foreign Agent
After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt. Turns out she felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend…
…and chimney installations are through the roof!
Rest In Peace Boiled Water
You'll be mist.
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes
The doctor says it's terminal
What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?
You get your palm red.
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the supermarket
They lied, everyone else has clothes on
My Math teacher told me 0! = 1
But my computer teacher told me 0 != 1
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed
A man walks into a bar.
Lucky bastard.
My daughter got scared when she had her first period
I told her it was an ovary action.
I asked what LGBTQ meant..
I couldn’t get a straight answer.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
there is love without sex, and there is sex without love.
and then there’s you, without both.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
What does Jesus and a floppy disk have in common?
They both died to become the icon of saving
Be careful if you decide to breed rabbits
I've heard that it's a real hare raising experience
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.
It’s the last time I’ll sleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why do mountains make the best jokes?
Because they are hill areas!
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn’t stop pointing out random exits and entrances
I said: "There's the door"
A young man goes off to college
A young man goes off to college, but about one-third of the way through the semester, he's foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him. "Hmmmm," he wonders. "How am I going to go about getting more dough?" Then he gets and idea and phones his father. "Dad, you won't believe the wonders that modern education is coming up with!" he says. "Why, they have a program here that will teach Rex how to talk!" "That's amazing!" exclaims his father. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the son says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, he again runs out of money. He calls his father again. "So, how's Rex doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this, they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals to READ!" "READ!?" says his father. ""No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class," the son says. So the father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the son finds he has a problem. When he gets home, his father is going to find out that the dog can neither talk nor read, so he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Rex?" asks his father. "I can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the son says, "I have some pretty grim news. When I got out of the shower this morning, Rex was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messin' around with that hot blonde who lives on Minute Street?'" The father replies, "Damn! I sure hope you shot that lyin' dog!" The son replies, "I sure did, Dad!"
How do you cut a Pizza?
With little Caesars (Seezors)
Did you hear about Santa grounding Rudolph this year for getting a D in class?
Yep, he went down in History
What do you call a rude cactus?
A prick I’m deeply sorry
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
There’s only 1 rule in learning English
1.) Their our know rules
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
What is a wise, old priest’s favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar
Why was the PTA meeting homicide difficult to solve?
Because it wasn't apparent who did it.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…
…the NSA will finally read it.
My favourite joke: Now Hiring
A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads: "Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer." The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room. 30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter. "Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself. 20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program. He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well… you're a dog." The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs. "There's no way you're bilingual." The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasn’t there.
