Why was 2019 afraid of 2020
Because they had a fight and 2021
After letting out a trumpet of a fart my toddler stopped, gasped and said, “did you just hear that elephant?”
She's going too be a great dad someday.
What’s the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there’s a mile between the two S’s.
My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
Yes Pornhub I know there are lonely sluts in my area
…I’m one of them.
Why can’t ants get Covid-19?
They have tiny little antibodies…
Real dad joke story time.
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence. I got off pretty easy…
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What’s the difference between a Leopard and a Jaguar?
Thousands of miles.
Saw an ad for a DeLorean with low milage…
…said it was only used from time to time.
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
The best in town!
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-eeeeet!" Again, the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" Finally, the guy interrupts. "Go home, dad, you're drunk.”
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.
What’s the opposite of a waterfall?
A firefly
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
EA walks into a bar.
Unlock the punchline for $9.99.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
What do you give a cannibal who’s late for dinner
The cold shoulder
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[Original] The doctor prescribed a man a standing desk for back pain.
He told the man to stand at least 3 hours a day, which should reduce the symptoms – and to come back in a month. A month passes and the doctor is seeing the man again. He asks if the symptoms have improved. The man says, “No, but I’ve only been standing for one hour a day”. The doctor says he understood.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
A farmer buys a young cock
A farmers cock is getting old, so he decides to buy another younger one. When the new cock is put into the pen with the other chickens, the old cock says to him "I own all these hens, they all will only sleep with me, but I am old, I will give them to you if you grant my last wish before I die" The young cock is desperate to sleep with all these hens, and respects the old chickens last wish, so he agrees. "I want you to fuck me like I am one of them, I've always been curious what it's like, but there's never been another cockerel around" The young rooster is a little put off, but agrees all the same, so he mounts him and starts going when suddenly there is a loud bang, and the young rooster drops dead The farmer puts down his shotgun and says "fuck sake, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month"
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business
Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
I don’t know why i loves bad puns so much.
It’s just how eye roll i guess
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”