Squares Do Not Exist
A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.
Master: Hey boy, what do you got there? Dog: Bark Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark? Dog: Ruff Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there? Dog: With the ladder
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Did you hear about the baby strawberry?
It’s parents were in a jam.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language.
I used to be addicted to soap,
but I'm clean now.
As an Aussie, I feel sorry for my American friends and their government
After all, they’re still stuck in the last decade
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?
Police think it is race-related
After a date
Her: We should have dinner again. Him: No, I'm full.
Dumbest kid in the world…
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
I invented a new word
Plagiarism
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
Why can’t a transgender see their father?
Because he is transparent
What did the lesbian vampire say to her date?
I’ll see you next month
Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
Because they don't have the right koalafications
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
Mom, what’s dark humor?
Mom: Well son, you see that man over there with no arms? Go tell him to clap. Son: But, Mom! I'm blind! Mom: Exactly.
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, “Its dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball.” Man ~ “That’s nice.” Boy ~ “Want to buy it?” Man ~ “No, thanks.” Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.” Man ~ “OK, how much?” Boy ~ “$250? In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy ~ “Its dark in here.” Man ~ “Yes, it is.” Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy ~ “$750? Man ~ “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy ~ “$1,000? The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
He said, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”
I’ve been dating this homeless chick for a while now and it’s starting to get serious.
She asked me to move out with her.
Whenever I go to a sauna, I must have the whole thing to my self…
I have selfish steam issues.
I asked my son to take 9 from 8, to which he replied “minus one”, I said…
“Yours is one what?”
What’s yellow and can’t swim?
A bus full of children
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
A man goes to his boss and says, “I need to leave early today, I’m going to be a father!”
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.” When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?” “Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad
He wanted to be a millionaire too
