Squints at America
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
What’s the difference between politics and anatomy?
In anatomy, the asshole is at the bottom.
Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.
It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
Kobe Bryant’s death was an important and historic occasion.
It marked the first time he's passed in years.
My wife is finally going to watch Back to the Future
I told her it's about time.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
I got a job as a bullet
I was fired immediately
a dick’s life
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.
How were people born?
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
My work has just hired an Australian IT expert
He comes from a LAN down under
I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down
My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it Edit: platinum 2 mins after posting. Thank you! Edit 2: It’s raining platinum, hallelujah! Thank you everyone!
Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” Winks at disciples
I told my wife to buy some Dove soap.
She said, I never knew they were so clean.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be JustWater
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
A redneck wrestler
has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down. "Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can beat him." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "One more thing," says the coach. "He's got this hold called the Pretzel Hold that no one has ever escaped from. Whatever happens, don't let him get you in the Pretzel Hold cause then it's all over." "Got it, coach," says the wrestler. "Stay out of the Pretzel Hold." The match starts and in five seconds the redneck is in the Pretzel Hold. A groan goes up from the American spectators and the coach buries his face in his hands, unable to watch. Suddenly, there's a tremendous yell and a thump from the mat and the crowd bursts into cheers and applause. The coach looks up and sees the Russian out cold on the mat and the redneck standing over him. Before he can get up into the ring the crowd rushes in and hoists the redneck into the air, celebrating his victory. Half an hour later, the coach and the redneck are alone and able to talk. "What happened out there?" asks the coach. "I mean, one second you're in the hold, and next thing I know, you've won. How?" "Well," says the redneck, "I don't know how he got me in the hold so fast, but once I was in it, I was pretty much unable to move anything but my head. So, I looked up, and there was a pair of testicles dangling right in front of my face. So, I did the only thing I could do. I craned my neck forward and bit fown." "Ah, so that's how you beat him?" said the coach. "Not exactly," said the wrestler. "You'd be surprised how much strength you have when you've just bitten down on your own testicles."
[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods
As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back to his friend who's laying on the ground in agony. He asks what the park ranger said. "Dude you're gonna die"
My protractor broke
I wonder if it can still be used to a certain degree.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
