srgrafo memes seriously need to fuck off
A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.
He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender. “That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies. The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole. “Oh God. I’m sorry. Here — your first two are on me.” He hands the man two bottles of beer. “Thank you, I appreciate that.” The man and his dog make their way to a table near the front door and he grabs a seat. A little while later, another man enters the bar with a chihuahua. The first man stops him: “The bartender is going to give you shit about your dog. Tell him it’s your seeing-eye dog and he’ll feel so bad that he’ll buy your first few rounds!” “Thanks!” replies the second man. He wanders up to the bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t allow dogs in here.” “It’s my seeing-eye dog.” The barender’s face wrinkles into confusion. He says, “Ehhh, I don’t think so. They don’t make seeing-eye dogs out of chihuahuas.” “FUCK! They gave me a chihuahua?!”
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
Just found out that cockfighting is done with roosters.
That's 27 years of rigorous training, straight down the fucking drain.
I sprayed Windex on a spotted lantern fly today.
He died. It was a clean kill.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a brain surgeon…
But apparently, I was too young…
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time …
Are they guilty of resisting a rest?
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
I quit my job at McDonald’s today…
Boss was a clown
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
Why doesn’t 7 have any frends?
he's odd.
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
Just wanted to comment something I’m pretty upset about, but I didn’t knew where to post
A random woman was wearing a mask and she took it off to cough, I don’t know if it’s in purpose but she almost literally coughed on me
Why Jesus and the 3.5″ floppy are the same?
They both died to become the icon of saving.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.