srgrafo memes seriously need to fuck off

I thought to myself; "Damn, she sounds just like the wife"

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London. Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e onl‌‌y empt‌‌y sea‌‌t wa‌‌s directl‌‌y adjacen‌‌t t‌‌o ‌‌a wel‌‌l dresse‌‌d middl‌‌e age‌‌d Englis‌‌h lad‌‌y an‌‌d wa‌‌s bein‌‌g use‌‌d b‌‌y he‌‌r littl‌‌e dog. Th‌‌e wear‌‌y soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e ma'am‌‌, ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t i‌‌n tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n looke‌‌d dow‌‌n he‌‌r nos‌‌e a‌‌t th‌‌e solide‌‌r an‌‌d sniffe‌‌d the‌‌n said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌. Yo‌‌u ar‌‌e suc‌‌h ‌‌a rud‌‌e clas‌‌s o‌‌f people‌‌. Can'‌‌t yo‌‌u se‌‌e tha‌‌t m‌‌y littl‌‌e pooc‌‌h i‌‌s usin‌‌g tha‌‌t seat?" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d away‌‌, lookin‌‌g i‌‌f ther‌‌e wer‌‌e an‌‌y othe‌‌r unoccupie‌‌d seat‌‌s t‌‌o use‌‌, bu‌‌t afte‌‌r anothe‌‌r tri‌‌p dow‌‌n t‌‌o th‌‌e en‌‌d o‌‌f th‌‌e train‌‌, h‌‌e foun‌‌d himsel‌‌f facin‌‌g th‌‌e woma‌‌n wit‌‌h th‌‌e do‌‌g again. Again‌‌, th‌‌e soldie‌‌r asked‌‌, "Pleas‌‌e lady‌‌. Ma‌‌y ‌‌I si‌‌t there‌‌? I'‌‌m ver‌‌y tired." Th‌‌e Englis‌‌h woma‌‌n wrinkle‌‌d he‌‌r nos‌‌e an‌‌d snorte‌‌d ou‌‌t loud‌‌, "Yo‌‌u Americans‌‌! No‌‌t onl‌‌y ar‌‌e yo‌‌u rude‌‌, yo‌‌u ar‌‌e als‌‌o extremel‌‌y arrogant!" Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r didn'‌‌t sa‌‌y anythin‌‌g else‌‌; h‌‌e leane‌‌d over‌‌, picke‌‌d u‌‌p th‌‌e littl‌‌e do‌‌g an‌‌d tosse‌‌d i‌‌t ou‌‌t th‌‌e windo‌‌w o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n an‌‌d sa‌‌t dow‌‌n i‌‌n th‌‌e empt‌‌y seat. Th‌‌e Woman‌‌, a‌‌t ‌‌a los‌‌s fo‌‌r words‌‌; shrieked‌‌, raile‌‌d an‌‌d demande‌‌d tha‌‌t someon‌‌e defen‌‌d he‌‌r an‌‌d chastis‌‌e th‌‌e soldier. A‌‌n Englis‌‌h gentleme‌‌n sittin‌‌g acros‌‌s th‌‌e aisl‌‌e spok‌‌e u‌‌p an‌‌d said‌‌, "Yo‌‌u know‌‌, sir‌‌, yo‌‌u American‌‌s d‌‌o see‌‌m t‌‌o hav‌‌e ‌‌a penchan‌‌t fo‌‌r doin‌‌g th‌‌e wron‌‌g thing‌‌. Yo‌‌u ea‌‌t holdin‌‌g th‌‌e for‌‌k i‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g hand‌‌, yo‌‌u driv‌‌e you‌‌r auto‌‌s o‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g sid‌‌e o‌‌f th‌‌e roa‌‌d an‌‌d now‌‌, sir‌‌, you'v‌‌e throw‌‌n th‌‌e wron‌‌g bitc‌‌h ou‌‌t th‌‌e window!."

Because he was ostrich sized

… because Dawn is tough on Greece.

POETRY!

Because he was stuffed!

After 6 months of isolation, he is starting to get lonely. On Dec 26th, there is a knock of the door for the first time. He opens the door to find a large middle aged man with a big beard and plaid shirt. "I'm your neighbor from 11 miles down the road. I'm having a New Years Eve party and wondered if you'd like to come." Why sure, that sounds like fun! It's pretty lonely out here in the wilderness. "Ok, anytime after 9. Oh, and there's going to be some drinkin' going on." That's no problem, I like a drink myself. "OK, could be some fightin' too" Heh, well, I know how to take care of myself. I'll be careful. "And sure to be some sex too." Well, I've been pretty much alone for 6 months, so that sounds like just what I'm looking for! Any suggestion on what to wear to the party? "Wear? Wear what you want, it's just you and me."

Forty-five. A couple dozen to turn it to the right, a score of them to turn it to the left, and one to really, really screw it at the end.

"All your base are belong to us"

Infantry

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

He lets a little scream out and look at his father, dumbfounded. "Don't be shocked, son. Everybody does this. Soon, you will do it too." "But… Why, daddy?" "Because my hands are starting to ache"

Mom, what’s dark humor? Do you see that man without arms over there? Tell him to clap Mom! I'm blind…. Exactly.

EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…

Independent

"No, my son. We have no leprechaun nuns in this convent." "And mother, do you have any leprechaun nuns in all of Ireland?" "No my son, I don't believe there's a single leprechaun nun in the whole church!" The first leprechaun rounds on his companion and shouts, "AH TOL' YE YOU'D BEEN FOOKIN' A PENGUIN!"

his parents just died

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

No text found

Well I’m not gonna spread it!

Which I really didn't appreciate.

A mirror.

http://bit.ly/2ECQ4Zh

Because he conditioned it.

Dawn is tough on Greece.

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?' The waiter replied, 'Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!' The Texan said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.' The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy.' The next morning, the Texan returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.' The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins..

Because they’re two tired

I don't get it

… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry

The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in

I'll let you know…

So I sent him a "get well soon" card.

him: Knock knock me: Who's there? him: A snail me: a snail who? him: a snail you threw out of the window two weeks ago asking why

I’ll return.

An assassin

other than that, prison wasn’t too bad.

No one knows. But the road will have his vengeance.

Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.

One day he got so angry, he just flipped.