Stable Genius
Where does the know-it-all get their water?
From the well, actually.
Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?
A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
My friend David had his ID stolen.
Now he's just Dave.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
I cant take My dog to the pond anymore cuz the geese keep attacking him.
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
MRW my friend asks what happens to atoms under heat (X-post from /r/shittyreactiongifs)
https://ift.tt/3c5GHPr
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
Knock knock. Who’s there. Cash.
Cash who? No thanks, but I'll take a peanut! For allergic kids: No thanks, I'm allergic!
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
I told my kids that due to the quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
What lies on its back 100 ft in the air?
A centipede
I couldn’t decide what to get my buddy for Christmas, so I got him a prostitute with an accounting degree.
It's the thot that counts.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her “no it doesn’t”
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
I thought I had discovered a new color…
… but it turned out to be a pigment of my imagination.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Was preparing for interview
Was preparing for interview
My favourite sex position is called “WOW”…
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
Do you know why I don’t do threesomes?
Because if i wanted to disappoint two people at once, I'd visit my parents.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
You’ve seen Garfield on a Monday, now what about Garfield on a Tuesday?
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I edited my pig’s genes to make it taste better
you might even say the bacon is CRISPR
Hey Atheists! If God isn’t real,
Then why did my girlfriend get pregnant even though we didn’t have sex?
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.