I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she’s sleeping ..
…and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
My wife didnβt think Iβd give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous,
but backwards itβs even more stupid
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?
A small medium at large
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, βYouβre in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?β The horse ponders for a minute and responds, βI donβt think I am.β And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, β I think therefore I am.β But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
If you see a Spanish person tell them “mucho”
It means a lot to them
A kiss might make her day.
But anal will make her hole weak.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: βSuuuuureee YOU can!β
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
You know, cardi b looks alright
But her cousin cardio… now she really takes my breath away (A friend told me this when we had school and Jesus did it make me chuckle)
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
My Girlfriend has been repeatedly asking me βAre you a character from Alice in Wonderland?β and itβs getting really annoying
My Friend asked me βAre you mad at her?β I replied βDonβt you start tooβ
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
Vladimir Putin has been visiting all the old U.S.S.R. Countries.
You could say it was a Soviet Reunion.
Says one spice to another
"Seasoned Greetings"
Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Every naked person I see turns me on
Said the shower head.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Man is at a job interview
Interviewer: Well, to start out in the beginning, you will be at a $30,000 salary, but later that number could go up to $50,000 or even $60,000. Man: Ok, Iβll come back later then.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee?
A depresso
A priest, an alcoholic, and a child molester walk into a bar…
And that's just the first guy.
Daughter: “That armored truck looks like an ambulance.”
Me: "That's because it transports money going through withdrawals." She hated that one so much I nearly wept with joy.
A pun is not completely matured…
…until it is full groan.
My wife yelled at me to put the toilet seat down
I canβt even remember why I was carrying it around
I paid a homeless lady in Nashville $1 for two jokes. Wanna hear em? NSFW.
She was advertising two jokes for $1 so don't think I just walked up to her and said "I'll give you a dollar if you tell me two jokes." "Why can't miss piggy count to seventy? Because every time she gets to 69 she get a little frog in her throat." "How can you tell your man has a high sperm count? You have to chew before you swallow." My boyfriend paid a dollar and got these – "Two condoms were walking down the street. They passed a gay bar and one looks at the other and says 'hey want to go inside and get shit faced?'" "How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg? Pick it up and suck it's dick."
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows