A fisherman went back to work after taking a break for six months.
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.
I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.
Someone keeps leaving celery on my doorstep…
I think I'm being stalked! EDIT: a word
“Employers, what’s the most inappropriate thing someone’s worn to a job interview?”
https://ift.tt/2VxmLxC
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
President Trump made it illegal for stores to sell shredded cheese
“Make America grate again”
My wife: Honey, do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No, I think most of them smell that way.
Elevators are a lot like urinals
Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold 😉
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone.
And then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about the monkeys Who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Some guy just accused me of breaking into his car and stealing his subwoofer.
It was a bassless accusation.
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
An airline pilot, who didn’t realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:
"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!" That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit. Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss! Miss! You forgot the coffee!"
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
I wish I was a lost redditor
No text found
My friend just told me that he has a third nipple, and he has decided to get surgery to remove it.
He really needed to get it off his chest.
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes
Or sew it seams
Tutorial: How to gain 500 Coin on Reddit without upvote or luck!! SAFE METHOD
https://ift.tt/35Jd7fO
My wife is really mad at the fact i have no sence of direction,
So i packed up my stuff and right
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
An old, gross joke about deer hunting
This ancient joke pre-dates the Internet. It is from the South and is best told with a southern accent. I was deer hunting in the mountains of North Carolina. After about four hours I shot a nice 400lb buck. While I was hauling the dear back to my truck, I was stopped by the game warden, he wanted to see my hunting permit. I showed him my N.C. permit, after which he proceeded to stick his finger up the deer's asshole. He pulled his finger out and smelled it. The warden told me that the deer was a Virgina deer, and he wanted to see my Virgina permit. I had hunted in Norfork, Virgina about two months ago, so I looked through my wallet and showed him my Virgina permit. He was very upset because he got some enjoyment from handing out fines to hunters without permits. About one week later I was out hunting again on the same property. I was in a tree stand for almost seven hours before I spotted my first deer. I had a clean shot, and popped the deer right in the neck. While taking the deer back to my truck, the same perverted warden came up and insisted he be allowed to inspect the deer. He stuck his finger right up the deer's ass and then smelled and licked his finger. I was about to throw up. He told me that the deer was from South Carolina and he wanted my S.C. permit. I ran back to my truck and got the S.C. permit out of my glove compartment. This time the warden seemed even more upset then he did the last time. Of course he could not give me a ticket and he had to let me go. I shot three more deers during the rest of the season, and every time he did the same thing. He stuck his finger up the deer's butt and told me that I needed I license from Georgia, Alabama, and then West Virgina. I had a permit for every state. He was so mad when I showed him my permit from West Virgina, I thought he was going to kill me. He said " Boy, you got a permit for every damn state in the South, Where the hell you from?" I pulled down my pants and bent over, and then told the warden, "why don't you tell me!"
My wife made me a millionaire
Granted I was a billionaire before I met her.
The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven
St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is. The Pope: "I am the pope." St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book." The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth." St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me …" The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church …" St. Peter: "The Catholic church … Never heard of it … Wait, I'll check with the boss." St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God. St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth." God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of … Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus) Jesus: "Yes Dad, what's up?" God and St. Peter explain the situation. Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow." Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room Jeffery Epstien didn't kill himself laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing. Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
How do you collect data on how strong a river is?
You make a flowchart
My toddler just dad joked me.
She asked for ice for some imaginary wound, and as I gave her the ice pack (shaped like a circle with five fingers), she told me, "Thanks, Dad, I just needed a hand." I've never been more proud.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
Today is my 42nd birthday. I just announced to my kids that … finally …
I have fortitude.
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.
I asked my 18 siblings and they don’t know either.
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.