Stackoverflow is god
What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.
A really annoying loophole
A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"
Dr: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Me: "AND?"
I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.
They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.
I’ll never forget my Uncle’s last words to me just before he died.
"Are you still holding the ladder?"
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
What is the best place to train your legs?
Squatland yard.
Dad joked by my toddler….a proud day
Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons. Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly. As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?" To which my son replies, "No..like twotons" My son's first joke and it's a dad joke…i'm just so proud lol….
My wife said she wants me to stop listening to Wonderwall…
I SAID MAYBEEEE!!
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
At work, I’m known as “Mr. Compromise.”
That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
I’m telling dad jokes…..
Sometimes he even laughs!
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Please laugh
What's a thousand times better than Instagram? Instakilogram
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat — ew!
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
Johnnie didn’t know what else to do to have sex with his wife…
… every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts. They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best toast. One night, Johnnie made a special toast: "I toast to spending the rest of my nights between my wife's legs!" So he won the best toast of the night for the first time. He arrived home buzzed and overly excited thinking this was the night they would finally have sex. "Mary, I won the best toast of the night!" "Really, what did you toast for?" But Johnnie was suddenly scared of making things worse: "Well… I toasted to spending all my days in church!" So the next day, Johnnie and Mary are walking in town and one of Johnnie's friends approaches the couple with a naughty smile. "Mary… did you know Johnnie won the best toast last night?" Johnnie freezes and Mary replies: "Yes, but that's odd… every time I tell him to do it he refuses. If we ever do it, he falls asleep halfway through. And last weekend I had to grab him by his ears, and still, he didn't come!"
I have mixed views on immigration.
I'm foreign against it.
If you run in front of a car
You will get tired. And if you run behind a car, you will get exhausted.
I regret not commenting enough in my early years of CS, it’s just a habit of mine now
https://ift.tt/3aw0QNJ
They’ve just found Jeffery Epstein’s diary.
His last entry was about twelve years old.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sx, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Having sex is like playing bridge
If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I can eat sugar with either hand…
I'm ambidextrose!
One day Canada will take over the world…
Then you'll all be sorry!
What do metals call their friends
their chromies
As I handed my Dad his 47th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,
"You know, one would have been enough."
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy…
At least, that’s what she said in her diary