Stackoverflow is god
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
Why did the duck die?
It overdosed on quack.
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
I always lie behind my wife’s back and I hate it…
I want to be the little spoon too sometimes.
I left $100 in my suit jacket at the dry cleaners.
Unfortunately when I went to get it back, they were shut down for money laundering.
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
How do you communicate with a fish?
You drop him a line.
Woman walks into a gun store.
"It's for my husband" she tells the owner. "Did he tell you what caliber to get"?, the owner asked. "Are you kidding, he doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him"
I’ll never forget my granddad’s last words to me just before he died…
“Are you still holding the ladder!?”
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer’s, I see him every morning and he asks me If I’ve seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question
But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one armed mothers do it?”
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A man comes to the doctor and says, “m-m-m-my d-d-dick is so pressurized that I st-st-stutter.”
The doctor tells him he will give him a dick transplant. He loses his 3-foot-long dick for a 4-inch-long dick. He comes back in a week and says, "Now my wife wont have sex with me. May I have the old one back?" The doctor replies… "A d-d-d-deal's a d-d-d-deal."
Why did the nonbinary prospector move West in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
A magician was asked what had happened to the lady he used to saw in half in his act …
“Oh, she’s retired,” he said. “Now she lives in Chicago—and Denver.” … (Credit: This comes from the “Random Thoughts” chapter at the end of “The Thomas Sowell Reader” – quite an interesting (and occasionally amusing) book.)
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Ash used to be wood…
…but it was fired.
It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting “ it’s a boy!” with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
I watched a movie about graphs last night, but I was slightly disappointed.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
Radish means slightly Awesome in 90’s vernacular
No text found
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
Justice is a dish best served cold because…
…if it were served warm, it would be justwater…
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
Donald Trump was due to get circumcised
But the doctor said the procedure couldn’t go ahead due the fact that “there is literally no end to this prick”
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
What’s dark but always shines?
Shoe polish.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
I would do anything…
To stop starting sentences in Meat Loaf's voice.
