*star wars theme song*
What was Matthew McConaughey’s least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
I can’t take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog
Where do sheep get their haircut?
At the baa baa shop!
A man was going bald, so he got rabbits tattooed on to his head.
From a distance they looked like hares.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
I got a job as a bullet
But I was immediately fired.
I just turned 18 so now I shouldn’t need my glasses anymore
I’m still waiting for my adult super-vision to kick in
I ordered a Chicken and an Egg from Amazon
I'll let you know
Last night, I explained to my son what the word “bargain” means.
I think it meant a great deal to him.
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
A young woman is at her doctor’s appointment when the doctor says, “Ma’am, I’ve got your results, and it appears that you are pregnant.”
The woman appears shocked. "What!? You've got to be…" She pauses for a moment. "…Kid-in-me." After a a few moments of her giggling turn into silence, the doctor replies "Did you seriously get pregnant just to say that joke?" The woman says "It was totally birth it."
Whenever I’m at the therapist’s waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
The guy at the tuxedo store keeps hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.
He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
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Imagine if Americans decided to switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be a mass confusion.
I combined laxatives and alphabet soup.
I call it "Letter Rip."
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
How do you clickbait someone?
No text found
What do you call a one-legged hippo?
A hoppo My 4 year old cousin thinks it’s the funniest thing in the world
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms, the greater the resistance.
This sub is really disappointing me lately.
I'm going to try the meatballs next time.
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home
He said, "But son, it's the same film if you watch it here."
My dad always told me that I am special, that I am the 1%…
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
I started carrying a knife on me after an attempted mugging three years ago.
since then, my mugging attempts have been much more successful.
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
What’s the difference between a scientist and plumber?
The way they pronounce unionized